Me too.

This morning I awoke after a restless night. I did not want to move. I knew if I moved too much, the dogs would begin. Baxter would come over and jump up toward me, wanting me to get up and let him out. I thought about meditating on my back and knew that would not be a good idea. I really want to write. But there is no time. It is already 5:20 am and by the time I get meditation done, dogs taken care of my morning cleaning routine and check personal email, have a cup of coffee and breakfast, it will easily be 6:30am. And the dogs will still need their walk which is a half hour commitment. And then it is time to leave.

As I sighed heavily and fought off the covers along with my barrage of negative feelings of resentment for not being able to just get up and write, I decided I would follow the advice of my teacher's teacher, Pandit Rajamani Tigunait; I would write reflections on what is the root cause beneath these feelings.

As my fingers skimmed over the keyboard and my thoughts were spilled out onto the page, I was still being pulled toward the dogs. Bella was pacing and moving constantly, whining. This is not normal morning behaviour and I knew she needed something from me. Eventually, I got up with a huff and took her outside. Standing with her on leash trying to decide where she would do her business and trying to pull me further and further from the warmth of the house. Eventually she and I both gave up and went back in.

Clarity. This is all about feeling like I am responsible to everyone, thing else before myself. This is about me and my expectation that I am responsible to take care of everyone else first and myself only when all of that is done. My dogs will not die if they do not eat as soon as we get up. It took a few days, but even as pups they both figured out to rest while I meditate. It is time to just establish the new boundaries with everyone that help me feel less responsible. More importantly, to have faith that my intention to complete my responsibilities will get them done in the time they should, but not necessarily without me taking care of me too.