Saturday, June 26, 2010


" who they are, not trust who I want them to be."

Ahhh...I want people to be conscious of their relationships and act accordingly. What if I stop trusting that is the way it should be? It feels lighter.

If I trust everyone is who they are for some purpose, do I just set myself up for expectations that may never materialize? Trusting that everything happens for a reason does not feel right. Maybe things happen and I have the potential to maximize the potential growth from the event. Or to continue without seeing the potential.

I trust that everyone has some inherent goodness despite the role they play? Everything that happens is an opportunity to uncover the basic goodness or not.

"Tis nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Judgment; good or bad limits or expands the potential.
Yeah - that feels right.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Where is the love?

The clock did not start as the ball moved through the scramble of legs and sticks. The score board was off by 33 points. One child limps to the bench after two sticks slashed across his bruised knee. Parents are screaming - yelling at kids to try harder. Yelling at refs for missing calls. Screaming about the timers. I can feel my own anger bubbling up. I see the confusion and disappointment,... no fear on the faces of the team. They are just nine yr old boys trying to play a game.

Why did it stop being fun?

No one's expectations are being met. Games have expectations around the way they should be played, clocks start when the play starts. refs call penalties when they are supposed to be called. The object is the ball, not taking players out. Parents will love you no matter what.

We lost 7:6 with the opposing team scoring a final goal in the last second of the game. We played a player short for over 12 min of the 45 min game. The boys played their best, they tried hard and yet no one had fun and no one felt like celebrating.

My whole life feels like that at times - like now. I have played my heart out and yet things haven't seemed to be good enough. I guess the question is - What am I using to measure success - the wins or the quality of my game? How much fun I'm having or how much I've grown and learned?

Yesterday I instructed High Five training. The WHY behind High Five - relationship. It is a program centered on offering a relationship centered approach as a teacher of young children. Am I living my life as a relationship-centered friend, mother, daughter, niece, cousin, employee, employer, teacher, co-parent?

The world does not appear to be relationship-centered. What else could explain our wars, over use of our resources? We celebrate the winners when they win, but not the losers. It feels lonely to lose.

We win so people will take the time to smile at us and bask in our light - even if they really only do it because they believe it gives them some validation. Maybe everyone is just playing as hard as they can. Maybe everyone is lonely and we strive to win in order to shield ourselves from the loneliness.

If ever there was a reason to march to my own drum, there it is.

Sunday, June 20, 2010


I awoke early; before 4am. The dog moving around on the deck outside brought me out of the world of dreams. The world of dreams was not comfortable either.

Why am I so stressed? Why am I thinking so many resistive thoughts?
I am assuming things should be the way I want them to be, rather than the way they are. I am assuming that because I am not directly involved, it is not getting done right. AND I am assuming that my place in the world is so insignificant.

Hmmm... that's pretty narcissistic AND not very confident. Duality; therein lies the struggle.

In this challenge, I am noticing my own inability to stay grounded in the present. Perhaps I should just practice following one breath at a time. Perhaps then, I will not feel like just giving up.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Peaceful Warrior

A Saturday evening with a movie - Peaceful Warrior. The line, "because it was the first thing I was sure that I loved."

What was the first thing that I was sure that I loved? As I search through my earliest memories, the ones that arrive involve taking things apart, building and constructing things, running, paddling, skating, climbing trees. I search for the common thread. It is Kinesthetic. There is learning. Everything involves learning. I reach for my Journal from 2 summers ago with the thoughts from Yoga for Fulfillment. Growth is the word that continually came up.

Doesn't everyone strive to grow and learn all the time? Am I really just meant to find my passion in this life in learning? It seems so... unimportant in the scheme of the real world where we go out there and become famous for our contributions. Learning is more receiving than giving. How can I offer my talent to the world if all I am doing is learning?

Maybe my passion is learning and I have talent in expression? Maybe that is why when I teach and when I write it feels effortless (most of the time). When I teach what I am passionate about, it feels effortless. When I teach or write at a depth of understanding I am still processing. Ahhh... yes.

So glad I am planning on growing more this summer. Loving myself as I am.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Present gifts

Pants - check, Jacket - check. Car locked - check.
The others have already arrived. I rush down the steps and greet everyone. In my haste I answer, "I am great!" There is a niggling in the back of my head. 'No, I'm busy,' I think, but do not say.
We get the boats out, I less than patiently wait through the review of information, for my turn to get my boat in last. Finally giving up and lifting it myself despite the instructions not to. But I know I can lift the boat and I know I want to get going.

Settling onto the water with the evening sun gleaming through the clouds, I slow my pace to allow the others to catch up. Ian arrives first. "It doesn't get any better than this," he offers. I look around. As if for the first time that day, I stop trying to go somewhere. I allow myself to just be on the water following someone else.

It only lasts for the paddle. As we head back, I am thinking of retrieving my son, getting him to bed, the dog, the cat and the enjoyment of a glass of wine to slow the pace and close the day. I haven't eaten yet either.

As I awoke this morning, in the fog of sleep, the thought came that having the glass of wine was a part of a checklist. It is as if there is no conscious awareness of whether this is what I want, rather I operate on a kind of routine checklist of things to get done between getting out of bed and crawling back in.

Maybe there are just too many things on my checklist and I need to start paring it down - perhaps after lacrosse season. Or maybe I need to practice real presence - which I feel I get to do when I write. Thank you for reading.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The sharp edge

I open my facebook page and discover a comment to my status and it hurts. My reaction is defense – kind of ironic since my status was questioning the need to defend. So I look at it. Initially my mind attacks the dialogue with defense and questions.

Outward attention where I create stories about this person, the exchange, my own defense of the intention.

Then I read an article on ripening courage and this question intrigued me: "At this time in my life, what is my edge? What's the biggest thing I'm confronting? Where do I need to exercise courage?"
I check in. I get quiet and let go of all my stories around this dialogue and I just listen for guidance.
I realize the edge in this moment is this feeling that I am not a good enough teacher. I wrote that status because I want to ‘teach’. It was all about me.
There is a saying that when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Well, I was trying to force the students to attend the class. Ha Ha!
There is love in the desire to serve, love in the desire to share one's experience and love in the awareness of truth. There is more compassion in the middle way.

Love does not always come in beautiful smiles and kindness.