Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Faith, love and marriage

News of an upcoming wedding celebration arrived in my mail. I smiled with thoughts of warmth and joy. My thoughts eventually turned to the end of my own marriage, sadness following on the heels of the thoughts of betrayal and loss.

Two people celebrating their love for each other? No. in my view, marriage is two people celebrating their ability to love themselves in the shadow of each other.

Can marriage last forever? Since the end of my marriage, my love has grown. Through relationship with Nick as an ex-husband I have come to really appreciate and love me even more.

So marriage then is an expression of faith in ones own ability to love oneself. Funny to discover that in divorce.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Caught up in the heat...

Sleepless, I am caught. Tossing & turning, caught in building a story that may never come to pass. I feel all the beauty and joy of a future of adventure and intimacy, passion and deep love. The story becomes rehearsed in my mind, the characters more real, the experiences moving my heart - I lose touch with what really is true. Woman, lying in bed, sleepless.

The seed of the expectation is planted and nurtured, growing ever stronger as I continue to hold more and more tightly to the dream. The story is filled in and the characters begin to take shape. They are strong and loving, there is no room for weak or unloving. I am smiling and happy; never unhappy or discontent. The shadows are filled in, obscuring any other aspects of the characters. I am blind to any other truth, seeing only what I want to see. Muddying reality.

It is a beautiful dream, but just a dream. What is real? I had a beautiful afternoon, laughed a lot. That has past. Right now, I am a sleepy woman typing on a computer. I am in my home with my dog, cat and child. Alone. I have no idea what will happen in the future. Can approach the future with this not knowing? No dreams, expectations or beliefs. I guess I'll try... but man it was a beautiful dream and the sex... hot!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Dual or Duel

The days have seemed utterly disorganized and disjointed. What seem like huge challenges, once faced suddenly seem so insignificant. It is as if I stand in a desert sand storm unable to move and struggling to keep the sand from my eyes, nose, mouth and when it all stops - it is just harmless sand.

Energy follows thought. Thought follows energy.

Today I will practice with my heart open to receiving love and utter gratitude for all that is in my existence. For each challenge is another opportunity to always come back to knowing 'I am a single cell in the organism that is the Universe.' Without me there cannot be you. Without you, there cannot be carbon dioxide or waste that becomes fertilizer. Without plants, there cannot be us. And on and on it goes.

I just need to be me. It's not just biology though -- without my action and words, there cannot be your thoughts and actions....

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Loosening the Grip

This morning as I was practicing, the words of my teacher came to me. "Yogis love their tools: asana, bandha, et all. Glorious catalysts, the lot of them. But be warned: Don’t ignore your life’s predicaments. Pain–the most apt catalyst–is Nature’s grindstone, Her way of sharpening your instrument, so you cut away your dullness and silliness. If you want to be fit enough to do Her work, forget your hamstrings. Accumulate a ton of right deeds and make sure what you are seeing is true."

This was perfect. I was pushing my way into practice, driven by guilt and determination. I was practicing so my world would be perfect, rather than seeing the perfection in my world. My body, face and heart softened.

Patience. When I am looking for the outcome that I want to result from my effort, I cannot possibly experience the beauty of what IS in THIS moment. Being in the job I am in, parenting alone, being single, I GET TO sharpen my instruments and learn to appreciate love in Her many disguises.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Weathering the Storm

I have this bloody judge in my head who keeps telling me I should be preparing for work projects or cleaning the house. I should be playing a game with Fynn. I never seem to be doing enough for this shadow of my mind. There is always something healthier to eat, better to be doing or less to be consuming. Suddenly, I recall my teacher. "Have integrity." His intention was to wake us up to really respect our Self in our practice - come to it with real intention; with our best; our whole being.

I cannot be my best for this judge for she comes to me with anger and negativity. The judge in my head is certainly not coming to me with compassion and support, generous of spirit and with love. Perhaps I would find it easier to offer my best; to make better choices and not be so swayed by what is outside of me rather than what is in my heart.


The morning light is dim and the winds are just beginning a light spin around the house. "This is it." I think. Then I check my watch and remember, I heard it would really arrive later. Waiting.

Thoughts tumble through my brain, remembering the past evening, the comments. Everyone seems to be waiting for this storm to hit. Once the storm is past, what will we be waiting for next? Or maybe we will be remembering.

My thoughts are interrupted by the sounds of an animal. I look out from the deck over my yard. Thoughts - coyote, bird? Dying. A little prayer passes through my mind.

I almost missed this passing of a life with the thoughts that crowd my mind. What else am I missing right now, that is right in front of me?