Friday, December 30, 2011

Don't worry about the how.

Sankalpa is a powerful thing. A goal, an aspiration. As I reflect this morning on a sankalpa to lead me into the New year, I am stumped. Not because of a lack of things I want to accomplish. Oh no... there are plenty of things I would like to accomplish, to change in my life. No, it is because of the challenge of discerning which of those many things to focus on first and then immediately skipping to the how. It is a lack of faith that it will just happen unless I make it happen.

Just call me 'control.'

Where did the power to just go on the road and be a rock climber go? What happened to the fearlessness that I had all those years ago disappear to? That bravery is now buried under mounds of responsibility and things that will distract me from having to live up to that uncomfortable lifestyle. Spending your days living in a car or van, even a Ford F-150 is very freeing from responsibility, but it can be challenging to always have to cook hunched over your legs. Or to get dressed laying down.

So perhaps it is not the responsibility as much as the fear of getting that uncomfortable again. Fear of not having enough juice to do it all and then some more. It's easy to sit behind the excuse of being a single parent. Lots of people cut me slack for my very full life. It isn't easy. But it is also joyful and fun and can certainly fill ones days. And yet, there is also the possibility to add to the spice of my own life. Maybe a PhD is not the answer. Maybe the how is to just do what it is I love to do, allow the world to see it.

That takes faith and patience and perhaps a little hope, but definitely just takes doing. Can you guess what it is that I love and haven't been courageous enough to share fully with the world?
Are you holding something back?
Here's to 2012! Just a little doing each day, like one Yoga pose leads into a sequence and one 5.7 leads to 5.13, if you just keep doing.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Giving 120%

The room was still and quiet. For me there was just me and time. Distracting myself from the stillness, I roamed the internet and eventually found myself watching youtube videos of Chris Sharma. I have known Chris. I remember watching him just not let go in Santa Cruz. As I watch his Wanderlust interview and see his discomfort with new moves... Yoga moves, I realize that what we do is what we become good at. But more importantly, how we do something determines how well we will perform.

It is not a matter of technique or strength as much as it is a matter of desire. When we really want something, we will put all of our being into it. All of our strength and all of our know how. Our awareness becomes locked on the process and we are led through the process, rather than conquering it.

Clearly Chris' desire is to always climb the next level. To see what is next and can be done.
What is my desire? As I reflect on this, I realize this has always been a struggle for me. For many years my desire has been polluted with the desires that others have for me. My parents desire for a degree in science, with the end of that came my partners desire for rock climbing, so I too climbed. With divorce I found Yoga, but even there perhaps it has been the desire that others have to be great teachers that has diverted my path to teaching. And in teaching, I have found the prescriptions of yet others to shape what and how I teach.

More reflection reveals a gem. When I sat in the back of a Ford F150 in the blazing sun on warm July days in Rifle, Colorado, I was free. I was writing. I was sharing all the knowledge I had gained from my own experience with climbing. Not the training offered to me from other, but from my own experience. I was alive. I was climbing as I wrote. I was understanding and blending together all that I understood and articulating it. That was fulfilling.

Climbing routes was only a means of learning for me. Practicing asana has only been a means of gaining understanding. Reading book after book after book has been the fulfillment of a desire within me to learn, understand and offer in my own words my perception. Can my purpose really be that simple?
And yet it makes perfect sense because I cannot do anything in my life half-assed. I must do it fully and completely and when I can't put 120% in, I lose interest.

Sometimes I long for those days of climbing again... the fitness, the fun, the travel. But what I really miss is the absolute absorption in learning. Yep... that's me, the perpetual student.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas

The stove burns brightly, the clock ticks and I sit. I take a breath and feel the pleasure of my lungs expanding and my heart opening to the gift of life. I watch my fingers dance across the keyboard and words from my heart skip across the page. Magic.

Today, as a community we celebrate the gift of life, we remember the generous spirit in our hearts. We connect as family, as one. I am so very fortunate to celebrate and remember these things more than once over this Holiday season. My wish for the New Year will be to remember and celebrate life, abundance and generosity every day.

With an open heart, I can find the light inside me and share it with the world. That is my greatest gift to give.... and the world reciprocates. For when I see my light, then I can see the light in others, and be grateful for their gift.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Friday, December 23, 2011


The house is quiet. With the exception of the ticking of the clock, reminding me to make my way to work, there is only stillness. A magical time to reflect inward. All of the stories are really just my perceptions of the way things are. An uncomfortable thought comes and more than the thought, I notice the feeling. It is a feeling of needing something, a feeling of lack, something missing. And yet, when I bring my awareness back to this moment, I am breathing. I am not hungry. I am comfortably warm and supported in my chair. I am not alone. So why a feeling of lack?

My voice is not being heard. I lack an audience. My purpose is to share with the world my truth. What truth? In this moment, it is the truth that we all want to be heard and yet with so many wanting to be heard, who is listening? Only I will ever really hear my own voice.

Yesterday, while listening, and allowing my father's voice to be heard, he could hear me. He could hear all the love and compassion in my heart. Isn't it funny how that is!?!

Sunday, December 18, 2011


The Holidays must be here, Fynn is off with his dad, probably hitting the slopes a little later today.

With time on my hands, another home project has begun. I filled my mind and my day yesterday wil destruction and construction. As I warmed the heating pad for my sore back and lathered my dry hands with oils, I realized that the building of things is like a state of flow for me. It is like figuring out a sequence on a hard route. It is both physically and mentally engaging. It challenges me to stay focused and yet open to what is next.

This is not work, for me this is play. Kind of like building snow forts.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Living Happiness

12 Things Happy People Do Differently
~by Jacob Sokol of Sensophy

Studies conducted by positivity psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky point to 12 things happy people do differently to increase their levels of happiness. These are things that we can start doing today to feel the effects of more happiness in our lives. (Check out her book The How of Happiness.)

1) Express gratitude. – Thank you Divine Universe for this beautiful child I get to raise, the co-workers I get to share the day with and my friends and family who surround me with love.
2) Cultivate optimism. – In this moment right now, I am healthy, breathing and full of vitality and so are the people I love.
3) Avoid over-thinking and social comparison. –God grant me the serenity to know the difference between what I can change and what I cannot.
4) Practice acts of kindness. – The greatest kindness I have to offer right now is the joy of knowing all the wonderful people in my life. Tell me if I can add to your life in any way.
5) Nurture social relationships. – This means, I will definitely be celebrating with friends this Friday night -- even if we need to leave a little early.
6) Develop strategies for coping. – my go to coping mechanism involves salt, self help books and perhaps some furniture making. I'll do my best to stick to the healthier ones this season.
7) Learn to forgive. – Rod said, "You don't forgive, you learn to love." I believe this and practice keeping my heart open.
8) Increase flow experiences - this is play. When time passes and you have no idea where it went.
9) Savour life’s joys. – I love the Xmas lights and the beautiful sunrises and sunsets lately.
10) Commit to your goals. – I am committed to being the best mom I can be. I am committed to embracing all of my life and staying curious and open. I am committed to serving the Divine however I can.
11) Practice spirituality. – I sit with Divine love daily.
12) Take care of your body. - Play. More play. I notice how great it feels to move, extend in asana!

How's your list!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Lightening up in the darkness

One thing I know. In dark times, there needs to be light. Victor Frankl discovered this while surviving in a Nazi concentration camp. There must be a purpose to live for.

Rod suggests this purpose is my dharma. My light shines brightest when I climb mountains (confront challenges) and share my voice, my own way of thinking with the world. And to leave the rest to the Divine source.

For those I love I will share my love and my passion to find their own light for however long they may be able to shine it's light to the world. And I will understand the lesson for me is to not let myself live in silence and status quo, nor will I worry whether I am heard or believed.