Thursday, October 28, 2010


I believe being my best is what brings me happiness, meaning to all that I do.

As a teenager I ran, I ran my best.
As a young woman I climbed, I climbed my best.
Now I teach, I teach my best.
I love, I love with all my heart.
I do not just offer my best, I strive to be better than anyone else; perfect.
In being my best and being better, maybe I will feel loved, important, accepted.

It is painful to live this way and it is very hard to live in this shadow of perfection and being better, always better. Always waiting for acceptance from outside of me. Always feeling disappointment and always feeling there is more to do.

This week I was caught in this story, this hidden agenda in the back of my heart. Fortunately, yesterday in meditation, I recalled a warm sunny afternoon in Colorado when I watched a little hummingbird fluttering from one flower to another, the sound of a brook bubbling along beneath the little bird. In that moment a feeling of understanding washed over me. One flower is not trying to out scent the other, grow taller than another. Each flower was just trying to grow toward the light. The brook was just moving downhill, working around obstacles in the path. Not speeding in pursuit of a destination.

Life is a lot softer, easier in the moments of this realization.
Perhaps being my best means nurturing, accepting and loving me and then sharing this wonderful sense of who I am with the world. Being stronger for it.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

The Whirlwind of the Mind

"Mind is the key, the difference between prison and expansive freedom!" Rod Stryker

Yes, it has been a week of imprisonment for me. Wanting so many things to be different. Not present, definitely wanting, wanting, wanting.

The emotion attached to all this wanting? Poverty. Anxiety. Shame.

Anxiety is a like a leaf in the wind, that flutters about, changing direction. It shifts to fear. How can I trust that all will be okay if I accept everything as it is? I don't like everything that is. It doesn't feel good.

I guess the trust is with oneself not with the circumstances.

My teacher once told me, "We cannot forgive. We just practice love and forgiveness happens." Perhaps here, the trick is to just practice courage and the faith will come.

Sunday, October 17, 2010


The coffee is finished.
I surf the internet, dissatisfied. There is no purpose other than distraction.
It is always like this when Fynn is away. I have no one to reflect my heart.

A week ago I said to a friend, "I don't know if I have room to take on another heart." What I meant was, I don't know that I can allow another heart to penetrate that deeply and to maybe lose sight of me again. With divorce, I lost a view of me as a capable, beautiful, sexy, tenacious, adventurous, strong, heartfelt, loving woman. While married, I saw my fire and my light accepted and appreciated through his heart. When he left, my confidence in the beauty of that fire left too.

These past 3 years, I have retrieved pieces of the picture back. I am strong and capable, knowledgeable, tenacious - a survivor. I am a nurturing and supportive mother; I see these things through Fynn's heart. My spirit of adventure, my sexiness, my feminine beauty still elude me. I am so much in my head keeping my world, Fynn's world together and in balance. Not trying to find those pieces, after all, those are the ones most shattered.

Last night I met a group of women who have all came together through a University social group I was a part of initiating 25 years ago, Omega Pi. As I listened to their stories, their connections, I realized they spoke of the group as the force behind them; they thanked me. What I felt was their own force behind the group. Without their own effort and openness, they would not have gotten from things they did together the experience. It was their own fire exposed for others to see that gave the group a collective force.

So where does that lead me? To fully experience my own beauty, my own light, sexiness and adventure means effort and openness of my heart. It may mean going out of balance. Maybe not keeping it all together all the time. Ohh... that's scary.

Friday, October 8, 2010

A cape and a tiara

Nine years old and launching myself out onto the lake, no real plan, just knowing there was a lake to be explored.

Thirteen years old and falling deeply, passionately in love. And then again and again and again. Each time a little more strategically and a little less passionately.

Twenty seven years old, selling everything and going on a climbing trip that spanned 3 continents and six years. The adventure was the seed and catalyst for a book, a marriage and many boundless friendships and a beautiful child. I knew unconditional love. My eyes and heart opened.
Then the adventure led to a devastating heart break.
I picked up a sword and a shield.

The stuff of all heroic epics - adventure, love found and love lost. And in the end the heroine prevails. As I recently read, "I am fairly certain that given a cape and a nice tiara, I could save the world." My own world. Where the heck did I leave my cape and tiara!?! Perhaps it is time to put down the sword and shield.

Saturday, October 2, 2010


Last night I sat uncomfortable watching the movie Eat, Pray, Love...
“We must have our hearts broken. It means we tried for something.”
“My heart was so broken the last time it still hurts.”
My grief of my own loss washes over me. The defiance of the worthiness of the pain.

That is how I feel. The pieces may be glued back together and new supports erected, but there is still fear. Fear of new relationships, new love. I am unable to completely trust this bridge I am constructing between my Self and the world. Oh... I am fairly certain the body will go on and the breath will still come and go from my body. I am not certain that I will keep myself firmly rooted in this world. I may just lose myself in trying for something.

“I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man and stayed longer than I should waiting for him to ascend to his greatness.”
Perfect. This is my vikalpa. Not just with men, with all relationships. I seek results. I do not sit in the moment and the beauty it holds. I strategize, manipulate how 'we' can reach happiness. And yet the only place happiness can ever be found is in the moment, within oneself.

Can I just sit in the place of offering, generous of spirit and surrendering the outcome? I am watching.