Saturday, January 28, 2012

Trust in action, not outcome

What seems like ages ago, I asked, "What is faith?"
The response, "It will come."
This week as I parried with the idea of following a desire, I decided to just trust that if it is meant to be it will be. If it is not, then that is what is meant to be. And in either case it is what is best for me.
I still acted, requested, took the necessary steps, but I let go of the outcome. I let go of what had to happen and just held onto what I felt I should do.
It felt good.
Perhaps this is a momentary state of faith and grace. Perhaps I will learn to practice this daily, with all the people and aspects in my life.
Actually, if I manage to let go and trust, or not, perhaps that will be what is best. :)

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Finding the zone

There are a vast array of experiences I have had in rock climbing with years of pursuing the next level, again and again. Always in search of that moment - No, not the moment of success. The moment is when everything drops away and I am fully present in the experience. The moment of no thinking, no fear, no anxiety or anticipation, the moment of clarity.

As a settled in mom of a busy 10 year old, I have few opportunities to experience this in climbing. Fortunately, the experience is not dependent on the activity, rather it is dependent on a process of letting go and trusting. This is something I found in Yoga. Watch the following video of a Master explaining what Yoga is really all about. Thank you Rod, I am so blessed for this guiding presence in my life.

"It is something that is alive. The power of potential in each of us."

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Discipline or attachment

Practice in Yoga can be hard. You hear about all the rules. Real Yogis eat an Ayrevedic diet, they do not consume intoxicants, they do asana and meditate, a little pranayama and most importantly practice ahimsa, non harming. All of that requires a great deal of work to integrate into a Western lifestyle where pleasure seeking and instant gratification are on the menu. So recently I have been having thoughts about whether I am a good enough Yogi. That means I was creating a comparison sheet of my lifestyle to those other Yogis I know. Then real help came. I was reading a Tantra book and it described how some Yogis attach to the idea of being pure. This was me! I was attaching to the idea that There is either following the rules and that being good or not following the rules and that being bad. I attached to the idea that if I wasn't disciplined, I wasn't good enough. And yet the whole point of any practice is to learn non attachment. To allow the flow of life and our own actions and in that we become free. Now... I do recognize that the point of discipline initially is to teach the benefits of not numbing out or pleasure seeking. All of these practices, the meditation, the asana and the proper food and rest, have been necessary to getting clear enough, open enough, to hear the heart and to learn to listen. It is from this place, I can discern what is non harming for myself and others more readily. The idea that my heart knows what is best for me... Hmmmm... There is freedom.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Beyond frustration

Frustrated. It has been one of those days with the feeling there is much to be doing and yet somehow nothing gets started because I just do not know where to start. Perhaps that means there is nothing to be done, yet. Perhaps that means the first step is to become clear.

But I find myself waiting for answers. Not being present, waiting for the emails, waiting for the phone call. Perhaps that means I am not making decisions from a place of discernment, rather from a place of reaction to the calls. True. Thus leaving myself powerless. Ahhhh... yes, that is the feeling behind frustration.

So I just need to do what feels right for me, and in that, I trust I will chose the action that is supportive and beneficial to myself and others.

Friday, January 6, 2012

More seeing

Two things came to my mind at the same time. The first a comment from my yoga teacher and the second my confused thoughts about work. The first was a simple comment that was made 30 minutes after I sauntered into an amazing practice room at Prana Del Mar in Baja. With 12 hours of travel already logged that day, my mind was receiving, not processing much as I found a seat for this 5 day Kundalini adventure.

"Will you continue to practice (Yoga methodologies) for pain management or do you long for something more?"

Then my mind rolled around the challenges in my life right now. I could immediately sense the struggle... and this thought, "but how can I maintain my life, the life of my child and pursue that connection?" The defence, "I can't make more room for this! I am already so busy."

There was the answer. I do want more than pain management.
Then came a feeling of relief. There is no need to strive. I will just apply as much effort and discipline as I can on what I know will be a long and sustained adventure... but I can only ever make this journey, one step at a time.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Girl Talk

I had the pleasure of re-running memories of a friendship that supported me in what was an incredibly challenging time in my life. As I recalled the so many girl talks, I could see my animated confusion and the well known face of my girl friend I could not remember what was said, rather I remembered how it made me feel... Safe.

We all just want to feel safe, especially when we don't. When the the rug is pulled from under us, we just want to get the ground safely back under our feet. And yet this is the perfect moment to learn to fly.

For some of us flying is too big, we just want safety. Someone I love is in just such a place. The rug is gone and they don't want to fly. How can I help? I just want them to fly. But I am not them and this is their fall.

Compassion. My heart stills and I go to the place I believe they must be. I can see I have been here too, feelings of fear and sadness, with no ability to change what is. Perhaps in some way I am still in this place. I smile. Tears fill my eyes and love for them blossoms in my heart.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Walking on the Wild Side

The sun shone through the clouds creating windows of bright orange and red light across the granite rocks. Fynn and Tour run ahead. I am taking my time, contemplating what V7 I would want to climb. Why am I resisting climbing something here in NS? There is that one at Chebucto, close to home, not really needing a spotter. Who could I ask to be a climbing partner? No, spotter? What is this tension about? Hmmm.... Is that the problem with climbing, the resistance? Is it that I do not want to have to trust anyone? YES.
Makes sense, everyone I have trusted as a climbing partner has let me down. Whew.... well, everyone I have trusted and been intimately involved with. Huh... Didn't see that coming.

Doing V7 just got harder.

Definitely afraid to trust people. Wait. My heart speaks, urging me to see all that I have gained from that trust and then broken trust. All the climbing adventures, writing, training, five years of travel, a marriage, a child, so many amazing friends. All possible because I allowed myself to trust. And with the broken trust, I picked myself up and grew even more. I learned to trust my own capacity to love, to be open, in the face of great loss.

Would I still want this goal if nothing but the pure act of climbing existed?
Climbing just two people, sunshine, cool rock, no responsibilities, distractions. Just a challenge, an adventure to explore. Just moving, sharing how to make the body fit the sequence.
So really, the goal is to share a project with a friend.