Saturday, September 24, 2011

Lies & Love

This morning an hour slipped away from me as I pondered the lies and acts of deceit that have been perpetrated behind my back. Oh sure, I rationalized that it is not about me. Choices others make are choices they make about who they want to be.
But is that entirely true? I could not conceive of lying or taking advantage of my teacher.
Ohhh wait... that's not entirely true. I now recall sharing his audio files with someone. Not copying them, but lending them. Is that stealing?
What was my intention? To share this amazing experience I had, all I had learned. And maybe to buy a little credibility with the person.
So what was the intention of those who lied? To maintain their own credibility in my eyes. Yes. And to save themselves from seeming to have made a mistake.
Yup, I've been there.
So... now there is room for compassion. Sometimes, thinking is a helpful tool to get back in the heart. :)

Friday, September 16, 2011


My mind was replaying the story of last night and generally beating me up for being socially inept. As I replayed the conversations and thought, "that probably sounded stupid," and "I really shouldn't have shared that." I realized again how I was rejecting who I am.

What if it wasn't a stupid comment? Could that also be true? Perhaps it was my best effort to express how I felt. My intention was to make a connection on a heart level. Perhaps my awkwardness, confusion, was a reflection of how uncomfortable people are really talking about how they feel. It is often challenging to really express ourselves because we try so hard to sound professional and intelligent.

I guess the trick is to sooth my awkwardness by finding contentment in just wanting to share myself with others. Leave the rest of it up to them since it's out of my hands what they do with it.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

A world of Love or Hate

I choose today to be a day to remind me of love; the love that we all shared, opening our hearts in compassion to those who lost their lives and those left behind.

I recall looking at the beauty of my 8 week old child and wondering what kind of world I had brought this life into. I recall the horror of thinking of being a mother to a person who could kill so many innocent people. I recall the helplessness of not being able to make any kind of difference for anyone.

But that is not true. Every day, I can choose to accept others as they are and love them anyway. I can choose to feel compassion. I can choose to stay open. I can choose to work on me and my ability to love, not hate. And that will make all the difference.

Monday, September 5, 2011


I had a dream I needed to hold onto a bar, 20-30 feet above the ground. My body was swinging wildly as this spun in a circle. I needed to let go with one hand and grab a ladder which would allow me to climb to the ground to safety. I would let go and reach and not get the ladder and swing out again. I was afraid. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was too short to do it. And everyone else could. I awoke feeling depressed. I started journaling about this dream. Then it slowly dawned on me. But I was willing to try. I was afraid, but I was trying even when it seemed impossible. Why did I put the emphasis on the failing and not on the effort?

My Dad last night spoke of me as the "child who drove him crazy." I have spent a life time interpreting that as the child that wasn't good enough. Why didn't I see it as I was the one who taught him the most?

The quality of my Life is formed by the choices I make in how I see things. The joy in my life is either squashed by a choice of negativity or blossoms with a choice toward beauty. Today I will choose to dream, because "Living starts with dreaming." And I will choose the perspective that gives me even grander dreams.