Saturday, April 24, 2010


Lunching with a friend and she paraphrases the following, all negative emotion is just a cry for help. I immediately understand how much I have been crying out and why.

I keep thinking I need to do it all on my own and I keep resenting that I am doing it all on my own, BUT what I am not seeing is what I am not paying attention to. I am paying attention to the external things, the material world the relative reality where I am a mother because I have a son. A world where I feel it might be easier to do it myself than to coordinate others. A world where I am constructed from the things, people and experiences of my life.

Then there is a reality where I place my attention on the lesson in the experience, I place my intention on how I want to be, not who I want to be. I see that when I stop trying to be connected, stop worrying about continuing people's ideas about who I am, communication is much lighter and freer and opening to the connection is more probable. I feel that everything is perfect, just as it should be.

Even as I write this, I watch myself censor my words -- my own fear to accept who I am, the fear of rejection by the reader. But then in not writing from my heart with the intention of support you the reader, I am the one rejecting me. And I am the one trying through pleasing language to connect. A subtle shift in awareness, but so very key.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I have been listening to new audiobooks these days, in an effort to fill my mind with something other than the thoughts of buying Nick out of the house and the feelings that have been stimulated. Very well meaning people tell me their thoughts and it feeds the mind frenzy as this process unfolds.

The books are my distraction - a way to ignore what I think is right or wrong and how I feel about it. They definitely let me close off from my heart and analyze the concepts and ideas. Safe - somehow this makes me safe. Problem is that every book has a truth hidden within it and the heart, upon hearing the truth will not lay quietly under the blanket of rationalization.

The result; very early mornings, more salt than I need in my diet, variable breaths and a need to garden, cut down trees - do physically demanding work. I guess it is just a way to get things done. The truth; stay focused on the intention - who I want to be. Then put skillful effort into the actions that support the who.

Who do I want to be - compassionate, kind, loving, nurturing and supportive held together with the strength of resolve and discipline. Joyful. Therein lies the work - softening enough to see the joy in all that is.

Friday, April 16, 2010

What's the use...

"What's the use of a beautiful voice if you nothing to say,
What's the use of strength and muscle if it is only to push and shove,
What's the use of two ears if you don't hear the ones you love." Eddi Reader

Powerful truth.
These words speak of compassion and opening to the views of others. It is so easy to be confused by the needs and desires for oneself and the greater good. These are powerful thoughts for me as I attempt to move forward skillfully these days.

I wish to use my strength and muscles to embrace those I can.
I wish to use my ears to hear the dreams of those I love, and those I don't.
I wish to use my voice to open hearts and minds.
Staying here is sometimes frightening and groundless.
But is only with groundlessness that we can feel true faith in oneself. Therein lies real power.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Boys will be boys

The gymnasium style room is cool, filled with male energy. I stand there - all 63 inches of me - alone with an inclination to cross my arms across my chest. I begin trying to draw out the fellow to my right by making him laugh -- at me and my inexperience.

Why do boys like this? They seem to like rough physical contact. They seem to like strict discipline.
 These coaches do not want parents in the dressing room - they want control of the team's attention. Boys like control of situations so they can throw their bodies into challenge. I recently was reading that boys don't just learn to ride a bike, they want to make it jump off a ramp - certainly true with my son. And I have to say, I have witnessed many more males skip the last clip and take the whipper just for the fun of it.

As I am writing this blog this morning and wondering where I am going with it, what comes to mind is that I am drawing comparison of these men and me as a woman. I really don't want to be the same kind of coach these guys want to be. I don't want to throw myself off jumps on a snowboard like Nick does with Fynn. I want to help him put together his lacrosse net, even though I am not excited to stand in it and have Fynn take shots on me. I want to help him get his homework done or listen as he reads to me. I do want to love Fynn with all my heart and be open to whoever he becomes.

My real struggle is that I wonder if that will be enough.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter

The sun is sitting there behind the fog.
The wind is blowing through the branches.
The flowers are naturally moving up through the earth toward the sky.
The breath moves in and out of my body.
One heart beat is not faster, stronger than the next to sustain my breath.
The flowers are not racing against one another to get to be more beautiful.
The wind is not resisting the trees, merely moving through them.
The sun is not pressing closer to the earth to move the fog.
All nature is just being as it is, moving in harmony with the existence of the other.
To BE is enough.