Resolve

So what is my New Year's resolution you may ask. Well it is quite simple. I have a Para Yogi friend who recently very eloquently wrote a blog pertaining to alcohol. One particular blog struck a chord with me. She wrote about thinking about drinking and planning drinking earlier in the day. She anticipated and looked forward to it. This resonated with me because I do that too. Yesterday after the roast was made and the blueberry crisp was baked, the floors cleaned and the Christmas tree removed and decorations stored, I started planning. It was still only two o'clock in the afternoon. I also immediately felt the shame of and weakness of having this desire.

I have spent time asking myself why this glass of wine holds meaning for me. I recognized I have an idea that having wine is "bad" and at the same time, I realized it signals my time to relax, something I want. When I have a glass of wine, I am off the clock. Whose clock I wonder? Perhaps I have this negative view of alcohol because I abused and misused alcohol when I was in University. It helped me blot out the confusion and discontent I felt then.

I go to the Himalayan Institute and do not even think about wine or being on or off the clock. I don't think of any of my vices. I just rest and feel content. The environment supports me by removing the clock. It's the clock that is the problem. It is this tenet I live by that I must be productive and only then can I reward myself and relax. That is a tenet of my own mind and when I do not follow it, I feel shame.

So the resolution is to feel balanced in productivity and relaxation. To learn to do what my heart wants to do, not what my head tells me. And to understand that my heart will still desire a clean and tidy home, and it will desire play time too.