I totally get this and at the same time recognize how challenging it is to be completely open to oneself. I recognize each night I am home and striving for the time when my son is in bed and I have a few moments to myself. Why? Why am I striving, waiting? Why can I not see the pleasure in the time he is awake? Because I somehow believe it will be better when he is asleep. But it isn't. It is the same. As soon as he goes to bed, I want to munch or have a glass of wine or use some pleasurable distraction until it is time for me to go to sleep. Why am I so afraid of this time?
I am alone. I am completely alone with myself. As much as I long for it while he is awake, I also fear it when it occurs. Alone there is only me to be with and I really deep down don't think I am enough. All day every day I build walls, defenses around who I am. I shouldn't have to do that. That person should talk to me. That guy shouldn't have cut me off. I deserve this new xxxxx. It's their fault, they shouldn't have.....
It is all a story to support the vision of me I want. Not who I really am. The vision of me I want. So who am I? Really? I am a person who judges, I am a person who is human and screws up. I am intense and passionate and I speak my mind about others but not my truth. I am also kind and generous. As my high school friend says, "too nice." I unnerve people. Can I completely open to that? I haven't yet because I also long for the approval of others. I am human.
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