The Spirit of Giving

It is Christmas and this is my first Christmas without my son. It's lonely. It's freeing and it's fearful. It's joyful. All of it, in different moments. I have plans of visiting people and spending time with my family and their families, but ultimately, I still feel alone in those rooms full of people. A little part of my heart closes when my son goes away and when I have to think of my dreams of my own family that was dashed upon the granite shoreline of life, shattered and washed away in the ink of separation agreements and divorce petitions. I had a dream of my family and faithful love and growing old together and now that is gone. I did not dream this dream of my son being in a world I do not know. I did not dream this time alone at Christmas, with people but feeling so very lonely. And yet it is what seems to be happening.

Or is it? "You cannot search for reality, or for what you will, in isolation. It comes into being only in relationship, only when there is right relationship between man and man. So the love of man is the search for reality.' ~ Krishnamurti

My version of reality is that I am alone. Yesterday as I approached the malls and looked beyond the scene of hurried people, I could see people intent on the perfect gift, men tired of being in the mall, children excited and exhausted. As I looked at each, I could see a little of my own spirit. My own tiredness. My own frustration. My own worry of whether this would be a good enough gift. When I could see a little of my own emotion in others, the door to my heart opened and I felt so much compassion. Then my compassion turned on me. I am just like all these other people with their stories of what a perfect Christmas should be and their striving to make it happen. I understood, my own desire to have a perfect family, and that it is gone -- at least with the man I had promised my dreams to.

As I settled into the front seat -- still thinking that perhaps these weren't the perfect gifts -- I turned on my audiobook - little tidbits of support and encouragement as I drive home. The message coming to me loud and clear is the power of my dreams. I was still stuck on my old dream. I need some new dreams for this new, re-singled life I am living. What would that dream be? As I pondered this I came to see that the joy in our dreams is not just in what we are doing, but the joy in being a mom or a partner is in what we are GIVING. So I have decided to approach each shop clerk, party goer, and family member with the following mantra, 'what can I offer to THIS person in front of me right now?' Because right now and with the person I am with, is where the power of fulfilling my dreams and my love lies.