Monday, December 7, 2009

Desire creates wanting...

And wanting creates more dissatisfaction and wanting. This has been the way of things lately. As the Holidays round the bend and my son will be leaving to be with his father for 2 weeks, I am in a continual state of wanting. Wanting all this to be other than it is. I want my obscured view of security back -- where I did not wonder if I would grow old alone. I want the knowing that my son would be with me for all the special occasions -- okay so maybe knowing is not true, assuming. I want to be lost in the world of having meaning.

When I was going out and meeting guys at parties in my university years, I was always looking for this or that, wanting to attract someone and find the perfect love. I wanted to be loved. Not to give love. When I had to get really honest about my marriage, I had to admit, that there too it was love I wanted. I wanted him to love me and I did not really examine how much I could love him until our son arrived. Then I started asking that question. And I knew, I would leave him before I would leave my son. Why? Because I meant more to my son and I willingly would love my son unconditionally. In the early days I struggled with the idea of would I love him if he raped women or killed someone and I knew even then, I would. But I could not truly say the same for my ex. Then I chose to love him that much and he chose not to love me that much.

Perhaps then this divorce is an opportunity to recommit to that unconditional love. And to recommit to being enough for myself -- to loving myself enough that I do not look for it from others.

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