Day one of Sutras and the insights roll over me. Not surprising. This is the nature of training with Rod. Paying attention to my experience. As I go into pose after pose with the intention to witness the experience, I do not only experience the pose, the lengthening of my hamstrings, the opening in the side body, I also experience my thoughts and the emotions arising with them. Only this time there is space - distance as another person said it. It is as if I am a fly on the wall hearing a private conversation. "Why is my side shaking like that? I should be more stable. Maybe I should not have gone in this deep. Aww.. I always push so hard? Why am I so intense?"
Self-rejection, defence, anxiety...
Slowly it comes to me that these thoughts are all seeded with my vikalpas, the wrong thinking I have. I am stewing in ongoing thoughts of defence of my ego and striving for approval. I am striving for love and acceptance and in the process completely and utterly rejecting myself.
A smile creeps onto my face... Why am I taking myself so seriously? All of this is what I am here to learn. Learning to discover how I create my own experience... one of suffering. Obviously suffering can be the only outcome of feelings of rejection and defence.
Sitting in curiosity, in the seat of the witness, there is so much more room to enjoy the show.
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