Becoming Your Best

"Negative thoughts and emotions are enormous drains on energy. Only by releasing those egoistic self-absorptions and attachments to success are we ever truly free to give 100 percent of ourselves, which is what every Big Project demands." Chris Sharma

Seven years ago my marriage was ending. I had a lot of negative thoughts. About my ex-husband, about myself, about my future. My dream was crushed.

It was very painful.

Except when I practiced Yoga. For some reason, on the mat, the mind became steady. My attention was no longer on my loss and grief, rather it settled in my heart and I felt lightness, joy, freedom from these burdensome thoughts. That was what made me choose to do a Yoga teacher training. I sought freedom. I wanted to understand how to have more of these moments. I caught glimpses of light in a world that everyone agreed was dark. I didn't need to teach. I needed to bring more light into my own life.

Last week I left my 13 year old son at a boarding school. I recognize this could be a time where I feel great loss. Many people have been sending me loving supportive thoughts. My little boy is now a young man. He is independent. My role as mother has changed, just as my role with my ex husband changed seven years ago. With seven years of practice, four years of daily meditation, I see light even in the moment of saying good bye. My heart is not heavy with sadness.

Advanced Yoga study was a very worthy investment in myself. An investment I continue to make.

When will you start?

Things your mother wants to hear.

Less than 24 hours ago, I left my son at his new school approximately 1254 kilometers from home. Needless to say I won't be seeing him for a few weeks. We've had these times apart over the many years of his life, but this seems somehow a little more distant. Perhaps that is because this time he is on the verge of real independence. At any rate, when we have done this in the past, I have gotten texts that consisted of, 'I'm ok.' Needless to say, I was hoping for something a little more. So the following is a list of questions children (even the older ones) could answer when they send mom a text. 

I had a __________ day.

I spent time hanging out with __________.

I did really well on my assignment about ___________.

I realized ______________.

I was just thinking about you mom.

I plan to __________.

My favorite new _________ is _________.

Today's practice went _________.

I miss __________.

Thanks for __________.

If all else fails, I even like 'I'm ok.' Please share your ideas too!

No Ordinary Moments

There are No Ordinary Moments

In this moment there is breath.
In this moment there is light, even in the dark.
In this moment there is joy, even in the sadness.
In this moment there is love, even in the anger, grief and jealousy.
In this moment there is only what you choose to see.

The Winds of Change

This week life feels hard.
My son is preparing to go away to school. I thought I had more time, at least 2 years before this would happen. I am going through the motions of getting things done and in all the doing, I am avoiding the feelings. I am taking on even more, not choosing to rest and take time for me. At least not yet. This is the way I cope. The unhealthy way I cope. I get stuff done.

It is in these moments, when life feels hard and we don't want to feel the feelings, that it is harder to practice. Harder to stay disciplined. Harder to see the point. Unless I choose not to practice and then it all seems to be so much harder and feel so much less capable of handling it.

So I keep one thing consistent. I practice every day. Good days, bad days. The practice gives me strength. It gives me light. It gives me a sense of steadiness in chaos.

Practice.

Change, it's inevitable and in your hands.

In a few days I will be heading south to Massachusetts with my son. I will return, he will be staying in the US to attend school. It has been a bit of a whirlwind plan as we toured schools, made a decision and are now filling out paperwork and packing all within one month. People ask me how I am doing. How am I? Truth is, it depends. When I think about the opportunities for Fynn, the beauty of the campus, the resources, the class size, the excitement; I am really happy and excited. On the other hand, when I think about coming home from work everyday without my child, I am a sad and even afraid. If I think about what I will do; switch to a four day work week, use my additional day to write or plan workshops; again I am excited and light. Or if I think about maybe Fynn feeling lonely or depressed, I am lonely and depressed.

"Tis nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so." Which comes first, the feeling or the thought?

Yesterday I came home, sat down with a glass of wine and a TV show. I then proceeded to snack. Nothing healthy. The more I sat, the more I became disturbed and the more anything I was watching could make me cry, the more I searched for yet another snack. I became less inclined to do anything productive, despite a long list of things to do. Fortunately, I ran out of wine after one glass. I contemplated getting more wine, but didn't. I stopped snacking. I ran out of TV episodes of the show I was watching. I got up and took the dogs out for a walk. I started thinking about the empowering conversation I had with a friend just earlier that day. I started texting with a friend. The language in my texts shifted from more self pity and provocation to kindness.

Our senses and our actions, drive our experience. I wanted to hide. But I can't hide from my reality drinking wine, watching TV or eating. I could however shift my actions; getting up and walking, not consuming things that were not improving my experience. The simple act of walking... in nature... chatting with someone who cares about me... these actions brought me toward feeling more connected to mySelf, connected to feelings of potential, rather than feelings of loss.

Hope this is true for you!

In the Beginning

She awoke and moved through her routine. No decisions to be made. It is not a choice. Just do it, as Nike would tell you. She put one foot on the floor and then the other. The dog out for a pee. The teeth brushed, bladder emptied. Sinuses flushed. Time to practice.

It is all practice. Every moment of every day is a practice. We practice what we should have said or done. We practice what we will do or say.

This practice is different. This practice is the practice of connecting to something bigger than herself. Something bigger and yet not separate. Her, in a bigger sense of herself.

She recalled the first time she had realized this sense of not being alone. She had gone to a yoga class in the Ashtanga style. Despite being in pretty good shape, the class had definitely challenged her. She had noticed how easily her sister could move into poses that she struggled with. Quite unlike all her other accomplished physical feats, the movements here seemed to require something that was foreign to her. You cannot just make your body do the pose, you have to coax it into it and let go of getting there at the same time. By the time savasana came, she was physically relieved to lie on the floor, though this would be when she would return to her troubles. Her mind began it’s relentless story-telling of worry and resentment. She consciously tried to relax and yet could feel the tension creeping into her limbs and hips, her eyes. She wanted to cry. She felt almost broken. She had had enough and yet just could not let go. She felt as if she was being swept around in a wind storm and the only thing she knew to do was to hold on.

She could see the brown tam, the brown shirt with the orange and white coloured scarf. She recognized the blue eyes peering at her. It was a little girl, perhaps 7 or 8 years old; she saw herself. This was her in her Brownie uniform. The eyes were soft and caring. Her voice strong and confident. "You will be alright." As the words washed over her and her mind was trying to understand, she could feel a deep sense of safety. A deep sense that these words were true.

Those words would continually wash over her in the weeks and months to come. Along with her curiosity. It was that curiosity that would hold everything together in the next few years.

What was that, why did she appear and in that way? And what did all of that have to do with yoga?

What If?

What if I wrote a book and it became a bestseller?
I would be happy. Would I?
I would love that I could sit and write and people would love to read what I have to say.
Maybe I have a problem with not feeling heard.
Maybe I have an ego.
Yes… definitely got one of those. It tells me all the ways other people are wrong and I am right. It just hasn’t shut up and written the book yet.
Wait… I think the ego is here.