Saturday, August 30, 2014

Change, it's inevitable and in your hands.

In a few days I will be heading south to Massachusetts with my son. I will return, he will be staying in the US to attend school. It has been a bit of a whirlwind plan as we toured schools, made a decision and are now filling out paperwork and packing all within one month. People ask me how I am doing. How am I? Truth is, it depends. When I think about the opportunities for Fynn, the beauty of the campus, the resources, the class size, the excitement; I am really happy and excited. On the other hand, when I think about coming home from work everyday without my child, I am a sad and even afraid. If I think about what I will do; switch to a four day work week, use my additional day to write or plan workshops; again I am excited and light. Or if I think about maybe Fynn feeling lonely or depressed, I am lonely and depressed.

"Tis nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so." Which comes first, the feeling or the thought?

Yesterday I came home, sat down with a glass of wine and a TV show. I then proceeded to snack. Nothing healthy. The more I sat, the more I became disturbed and the more anything I was watching could make me cry, the more I searched for yet another snack. I became less inclined to do anything productive, despite a long list of things to do. Fortunately, I ran out of wine after one glass. I contemplated getting more wine, but didn't. I stopped snacking. I ran out of TV episodes of the show I was watching. I got up and took the dogs out for a walk. I started thinking about the empowering conversation I had with a friend just earlier that day. I started texting with a friend. The language in my texts shifted from more self pity and provocation to kindness.

Our senses and our actions, drive our experience. I wanted to hide. But I can't hide from my reality drinking wine, watching TV or eating. I could however shift my actions; getting up and walking, not consuming things that were not improving my experience. The simple act of walking... in nature... chatting with someone who cares about me... these actions brought me toward feeling more connected to mySelf, connected to feelings of potential, rather than feelings of loss.

Hope this is true for you!

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