Sunday, February 2, 2014

I am responsible

I recognize that I like to take on a role of responsibility. Not because I want more to do, but because I want control in what is done. I did not even consider not being full time single parent. I willingly took it on because I wanted some control over my son's life. There are times he comes home from visiting his dad and I get frustrated and angry because his father will teach him to do things like shoot things with a gun or drive an ATV. I don't get asked if I'm okay with it... it just happens - like swimming with sharks. I hear about it later. Truth is that it is the hearing about it after the fact that drives me crazy. There really hasn't been one thing I have said or would have said no to... except flying across the country by himself at 12.

The same applies at work too. I take on running the gym, not because I necessarily want the task of running a climbing gym, but rather because I want to control the climbing that happens and how much climbing I get to teach. I want to have a say perhaps is better way of thinking about it. Not control. I just want to make sure that someone is looking out for the non climber who wants to become a climber.

When I look even closer, I can see something else. Being the person who is responsible for others or caring the torch of the big picture, means I get to hold myself a little apart from others. I get to keep myself separate from the climbing community, from my ex. Keeping myself a separate from them means they cannot hurt me. They can disappoint me when they go against what I believe in, but it doesn't hurt my feelings. I expect to be betrayed. Why is a whole other story, but I do. So I just don't let them in close enough for it to hurt too much.

Now that Fynn is getting close to the magic 13 years, he is pushing back a lot more. It's little things like bed time and screen time. But I know it will escalate. He is becoming his own person and rather than answer to a mom, he wants full control over the decisions that impact him. I have always tried to be fair with him and offer him choices - just choices I wanted. Now that doesn't work. And I don't want to become a parent who holds him away from me so I won't be hurt.

I have come to notice that the feeling that arises when I keep people a part from my heart is negative. I feel neutral or negative toward them and they in turn feel this way toward me.

But how do you open your heart to people and hold people responsible AND not get hurt?
I am sure Byron Katie would say that no one can hurt you. You hurt you by how you think about what others should or shouldn't do. And that would be self responsibility.
Still my vulnerable ego really doesn't want to be betrayed. Guess I just need to spend more time with my Divine Self. ;)

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