Meaningful

I believe being my best is what brings me happiness, meaning to all that I do.

As a teenager I ran, I ran my best.
As a young woman I climbed, I climbed my best.
Now I teach, I teach my best.
I love, I love with all my heart.
I do not just offer my best, I strive to be better than anyone else; perfect.
In being my best and being better, maybe I will feel loved, important, accepted.

It is painful to live this way and it is very hard to live in this shadow of perfection and being better, always better. Always waiting for acceptance from outside of me. Always feeling disappointment and always feeling there is more to do.

This week I was caught in this story, this hidden agenda in the back of my heart. Fortunately, yesterday in meditation, I recalled a warm sunny afternoon in Colorado when I watched a little hummingbird fluttering from one flower to another, the sound of a brook bubbling along beneath the little bird. In that moment a feeling of understanding washed over me. One flower is not trying to out scent the other, grow taller than another. Each flower was just trying to grow toward the light. The brook was just moving downhill, working around obstacles in the path. Not speeding in pursuit of a destination.

Life is a lot softer, easier in the moments of this realization.
Perhaps being my best means nurturing, accepting and loving me and then sharing this wonderful sense of who I am with the world. Being stronger for it.