Last night I sat uncomfortable watching the movie Eat, Pray, Love...
“We must have our hearts broken. It means we tried for something.”
“My heart was so broken the last time it still hurts.”
My grief of my own loss washes over me. The defiance of the worthiness of the pain.
That is how I feel. The pieces may be glued back together and new supports erected, but there is still fear. Fear of new relationships, new love. I am unable to completely trust this bridge I am constructing between my Self and the world. Oh... I am fairly certain the body will go on and the breath will still come and go from my body. I am not certain that I will keep myself firmly rooted in this world. I may just lose myself in trying for something.
“I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man and stayed longer than I should waiting for him to ascend to his greatness.”
Perfect. This is my vikalpa. Not just with men, with all relationships. I seek results. I do not sit in the moment and the beauty it holds. I strategize, manipulate how 'we' can reach happiness. And yet the only place happiness can ever be found is in the moment, within oneself.
Can I just sit in the place of offering, generous of spirit and surrendering the outcome? I am watching.
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