Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Work

The sun is slowly creeping across the horizon and the clock ticks the seconds by. My legs are beginning to hurt sitting in this chair for so long. I could have gone for a paddle. I could have gone to meet friends for a glass of wine. I could have sat in the evening sun with one of many good books.

I watched Byron Katie doing The Work. Then I did.

She said, "Question anything that brings on sadness." "I am the source of my pain – only 100% of it."
My own pain seeps in behind thoughts like, "My son will want to leave me and live with his father.""I have lost my best friend." And "My abs are not what they were."

Is this true? Right away I stumble. Holding onto this thought - "my son will want to leave me and live with his father."I realize, my son always wants to live with both of us. He doesn't like leaving me and he wants to be with Nick. "I have lost my best friend." Is he my best friend right now? Do I know he doesn't still love me? I have left no room for him to love me in silence, in his own way. There is no room for me to be my own best friend. There is no room for a best friend.

What felt like lead in my stomach and pain in my heart lightens and lifts. I soften.

I am the one creating the story that holds up the lie that I am somehow responsible for what others choose. I could write a story about people loving me just because I am me. Fun birthday skype with my beautiful child who fills my heart with joy when I see him, a wonderful invitation to dinner with a friend, a glass of wine with another and an amazing gift of exploration with yet a third - so many blessings to count. I could write the love story of two people who respect each other more, forgive each other and choose consciously to work together to raise a beautiful child. I could hold in my awareness the strength of my body in my Yoga practice and climbing.

I am 100% responsible for the pain I have experienced this past week. I have chosen to see only one side of the many possibilities for everything I am experiencing.

I am working on it. I apologize to myself for not loving me. I am doing the best I can and I am enough for me. I apologize to all of those people who I have negative thoughts. It is my own story writing that creates this pain and I have dishonestly blamed you. In this moment it is clearer.

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