While recently listening to an audio of Pema Chodron, advice she offered in times of struggle are to just begin by turning up the corners of the lips. Since my son is now away and I have recognized my need to practice present moment awareness in order to manage the negative feelings and thoughts that keep arising when he goes away. Anxiety and resentment.
Practice - I committed to Yoga with the corners of my lips turned up as per the instruction. I often practice alone - but now I chose a class in the company of friends. Immediately, with friends and the smile playing on my lips, the poses felt a little lighter. There was great physical challenge, I stayed with my breath and my will; and I kept coming back to the small smile.
As the practice came to an end, I allowed myself to fully receive the assist, the love and compassion of a friend. My heart broke through. The steel wall of resentment and anxiety that shielded my heart split in half. Underneath lay grief, sorrow and fear. Bare to my own vulnerability, I truly saw my enemy. This was not first offering of love in recent days, but the first only cracked the surface.
My heart wept with compassion. I could not fix it - I could not make a person I loved happy. With an open heart I could finally gain more acceptance that I can never fix things for anyone, only myself; and not by changing the conditions of the material world, but only by how I see them. I can offer love, support and conditions, but I cannot make anyone appreciate them. AND as others offer me their love and support, it is only I who can chose to see it, appreciate it and integrate it.
Thank you beautiful ladies.
The tears washed away the grief, the sense of failure, I was holding. Seeing it allowed me to really understand what was real in my heart and more importantly, what I needed to do. Behind the shield lay the sword of courage and freedom. I can now chose to pick it up.
Am I happy? - You betcha! But I am sure there will be more steel walls and more swords to be discovered along this path I call life. Now I have faith I will continue to look for the sword.
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