With the close of the fall and many changes and challenges swirling through my life, this little vata/pitta hybrid (this basically means I tend to multi-task without really getting the job done and burn up people as I go with my fire (ire), has felt the roller coaster ride between continual movement and the intensity to get the job done at all costs. The costs included a lack of personal nutrition, practice and basic self care beyond showering (most days) and only getting exercise with Bella, my steadfast companion; she walks me 2-3 times daily.
Not at all an ethical approach to living.
Having the quiet of home without a child to dictate my schedule and my attention, I have now taken some time to reflect on how it all happened. The root of it was I lost faith. I am not speaking of faith in God or the Universe, or in my mind Divine light within myself. I lost faith that my light was bright enough. I lost sight of it. I stopped believing that I would ultimately navigate my way through it.
The result = fear. Fear of being not enough; not good enough, strong enough or loveable enough. Bottom line, I wanted to feel like I was loved and my life had meaning. Truth was, I wanted that from folks who really were so busy trying to feel they had meaning and they were worthy that we really couldn't connect. Everyone was losing.
I remember so many years ago having that word - Faith - pop into my mind in a meditation and I spent months trying to grasp its meaning. The meaning I understand now, even though sometimes I lose sight of the feeling of faith. Because sometimes, especially when I don't take care of myself, I lose touch with my own fire; my light and I follow my mind into the world of 'what everyone else wants and thinks is most important'.
Real faith is living a life for myself, living in my own heart, 'to thy own self be true.' Not that I forsake responsibilities, because really being a single mom is one of the greatest gifts of all time, no matter how scheduled one can become while doing it. And finding yourself laying under sheets of foam trying to move the 30th sheet into position because you know the value of finding your own fire through climbing and want that for others, and That is what I call living an ethical life.