This moment

I am struggling this morning. I did not want to get up. I did not want to get on my cushion. I continually ran the tape of Tour's last breaths, holding him in my arms and the sadness.

I want things to be different. I chose instead to journal. My heart is full of a variety of emotions... grief, frustration and a little resentment, and even relief. There is a constant stream of 'what's next' going on in the background creating a hum of anxiousness. A desire to write something important. A desire to have a more meaningful life. A desire to not live in so much solitude. A desire for distraction.

Then it occurs to me. I am sitting in outcome thinking. Of course! That is why I do not want to meditate.

I am thinking about how can I get all the things in my life that I think will make it be a good life rather than sitting in this moment realizing it is a good life. And so I am suffering.

That is excellent. I am so glad I saw that.