There has been a perfect storm of events and messages inspiring me lately; my mother's health, my nephew's shattered wrist, a book called Play, my ever busy schedule, my son's busy schedule, my practice and impatience, and of course, noticing my relationship to climbing and Yoga. And as I sit in the chaos of all of it, I recognized one fundamental thing... I am doing my life; I am not honouring my life.
I meditate, I set routes, I clean up the RC and make efforts to teach, do my administrative job, call for updates on my loved ones, attend family get togethers, do things with my child, coffee with my friends. And in all this effort, I keep my heart just a little bit hidden away. My mom's surgery has been the real straw. I am being strong and resilient, looking forward to the completion of the event and the getting through the recovery. Staying strong. And yet all the while the tears are right there on the edge of spilling over. The fear of more loss.
Kirpalu, on day one of Yoga for Fulfillment, Yogarupa said, "you have to change your relationship to your life." I felt his gaze in my direction and the hair stood up on the back of my neck and my stomach dropped. I wanted to hide. It has been weeks since then and when I sit in truth, I can see I have been wanting it to be something easier to change like a job, health for my loved ones, eating habits, cultivating a sense of gratitude and abundance, or having a new partner, or some new hobby, better income, or a new sankalpa or practice.
The truth is what needs change is this holding back; this arms length approach to living and embrace all of the heartache in my life, because only then will I also be able to embrace all of the joy.
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