I have been listening to new audiobooks these days, in an effort to fill my mind with something other than the thoughts of buying Nick out of the house and the feelings that have been stimulated. Very well meaning people tell me their thoughts and it feeds the mind frenzy as this process unfolds.
The books are my distraction - a way to ignore what I think is right or wrong and how I feel about it. They definitely let me close off from my heart and analyze the concepts and ideas. Safe - somehow this makes me safe. Problem is that every book has a truth hidden within it and the heart, upon hearing the truth will not lay quietly under the blanket of rationalization.
The result; very early mornings, more salt than I need in my diet, variable breaths and a need to garden, cut down trees - do physically demanding work. I guess it is just a way to get things done. The truth; stay focused on the intention - who I want to be. Then put skillful effort into the actions that support the who.
Who do I want to be - compassionate, kind, loving, nurturing and supportive held together with the strength of resolve and discipline. Joyful. Therein lies the work - softening enough to see the joy in all that is.
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