Disconnected

Lunching with a friend and she paraphrases the following, all negative emotion is just a cry for help. I immediately understand how much I have been crying out and why.

I keep thinking I need to do it all on my own and I keep resenting that I am doing it all on my own, BUT what I am not seeing is what I am not paying attention to. I am paying attention to the external things, the material world the relative reality where I am a mother because I have a son. A world where I feel it might be easier to do it myself than to coordinate others. A world where I am constructed from the things, people and experiences of my life.

Then there is a reality where I place my attention on the lesson in the experience, I place my intention on how I want to be, not who I want to be. I see that when I stop trying to be connected, stop worrying about continuing people's ideas about who I am, communication is much lighter and freer and opening to the connection is more probable. I feel that everything is perfect, just as it should be.

Even as I write this, I watch myself censor my words -- my own fear to accept who I am, the fear of rejection by the reader. But then in not writing from my heart with the intention of support you the reader, I am the one rejecting me. And I am the one trying through pleasing language to connect. A subtle shift in awareness, but so very key.