Changing my relationship to my life.

A week in reflection and self care. A week in excavating desires. A week of insight, love and support, A HA moments and tears. At the end of it all, I am still me... the same woman who walked in, has walked out.

As I move back into the routine of being home, I feel the resistance of the mind so much more profoundly. I sit in meditation, now justifying the need to get on with the day. I sit with food with the observation of rationales that are luring me to get up and do something else. I sit with my own busy mind willing the heart to open to the moment, only to have that willfulness impede the experience.

Change takes more than remembering all that has been revealed. Change requires surrender to skillful action; meditation, Yoga Nidra, Sankalpa, just eating and embrace all of me, no matter how challenging it seems in the moment. Change requires faith. 'Change requires understanding that the chronic pain of not changing is greater than the momentary pain of change.' ~ Yogarupa.

Whole hearted

As I sat in room of eager PTA tip ers, listening to the wisdom of my teacher, he said "change your relationship to your life."

I feel his words were intended for me with intense power behind them.

That was two days ago. My interpretation; start really doing the things that matter to you. Step into your own power, take responsibility for your future. It's not quitting my job, it's not changing the house I live in; it's wanting to fully be the expression of who I am. Honor me; the body for the temple it is, the mind for it's amazing melodramas and ability to problem solve, plan and imagine, my heart for it's incredible love, and my spirit for it's ability to what it loves to do, move mountains with love.

On the right track

July 2008 I discovered Rod Stryker. Nick asked me to bring Fynn to Colorado, Rod happen to be teaching Yoga for Fulfillment at that time, I went. That was the year I was getting the separation stuff sorted, and I ended up rooming with two women I did not know, one who had manifested all her dreams and one who seemed to be in an endless and bitter struggle with an ex-husband. One of these women was doing something right and I wanted to be like that.

Fulfillment is about learning who you are and making a plan of action for getting where you want to be. As I went through the exercises and small group discussions. Some people had very concrete things they wanted; a new house or money. When I imagine my perfect future, it is a feeling rather than a thing. In 2008, I wanted to feel prosperous, abundant and grateful. I very clearly recall the day, months later when I realized that I actually felt abundant and grateful - without trying. It was just a part of me to see the opportunity and positives around me. I was amazed at the power this work had for me.

Rod's book walking the reader through the process was published last month and I greedily devoured it and the exercises again. There are new things, greater depth to things already uncovered. And again, rather than naming a thing... it is a feeling of a future I want. Or maybe I am afraid to name the things in the images I create when I see my future. Next week, I will be with Rod again, doing the process with a group of fellow students. Being a student myself again. I am really looking forward to a future full of light, love and joy.

Running

Yesterday I went running, headphones in listening to "the Voice of Knowledge."
I stopped running.
What are the truths I have learned to believe? I need to be capable, responsible, perfect to be loved. I got good grades and never felt they were good enough, I ran and never came first. I never got tall, or developed larger boobs. My body was not beautiful enough. I climbed and never was the best, I wrote a book and it wasn't a best seller. I married and now I am divorced.
I was running, despite the pain in my low back, not for fun, but for fitness. I was running to try to make this body stronger, leaner and better. I was running so I would maybe be loved by others. As Swami Rama points out, when we do something not for the joy but the outcome, we are never happy in the end, because the outcome can never make us happy, only the path does.

As I prepare for a week of Yoga with Rod Stryker, I see how much self-rejection is happening. Do i need to be more content, which of my bad habits should I change, what should my goal be? My goal is to love myself as I am, to appreciate the degree of practice I do, the contentment I have; accepting all of me as I am and allowing, not beating myself into more and more truth.

Today I will do as my heart wants. I will sand if that is done with joy in my heart. I will discern the difference in feeling good while challenged and bad and uncomfortable. I will do my duty, which is to follow the love in my heart, even when it is tinged in sorrow.

For me

"The vows and beliefs you hold dear, speak directly to the Universe, compelling it to act on your behalf." ~ Rod Stryker.

How has the Universe been acting on my behalf? I recall being raised with the mantra.... "you wait until your father gets home." In my home, my Dad had final say in everything, dolled out all the punishment and the scheduled operated around him. No surprise I would seem to attract men into my life who would treat me the same?

I second ideology was, "You cannot eat the raspberry preserves if you do not pick the raspberries." And this was confused with my siblings not having to pick the raspberries, but being allowed to eat them. But then I was always told I was the best raspberry picker. I seemed to be the capable one and responsible for taking care of others. Any wonder then that I am a single parent and that I do not make a lot of decisions without checking in with others first.

Now I have also loads of wonderful beliefs that have provided me with a foundation of amazing experiences and relationships. I believe that if you want anything badly enough, you can make it happen. I believe that there is infinite potential in each and every person and that everyone deserves love and nurturing.

Let's hope that recognition of beliefs opens a door to clear understanding if something is right or not. I managed to recognize that I did not want to cow tow to the man doing drywall in my home and I did not.

Contentment

This summer I have had the pleasure of working with some youth who have not had the start in life I have had. The truth of their early life has been abandonment, beatings and abuse. Not surprisingly, they come into the lives of those who have not suffered similar experiences and respond very differently to people telling them "no!" They respond violently. They try to take power if it is not given. They close themselves off from others.

Is this really any different than the riots in London?
Is this really any different than the hundreds of investors pulling out of their stocks, further causing the decline in the market?

All powered by fear. Fear of not having any power, they grip and covet what they have, what they can control. I am no different. And yet in all that holding, there is no peace, no contentment, no getting what one really wants. Opening and accepting what is, finding a skillful way to work with it.... that is where real power lies. That is where real contentment and peace can be found.

My was body was my voice

Yesterday I shared an amazing evening with a friend. We shared our stories. We even acknowledged that it was all stories. We filled the space between us with the love and understanding that at all times, there is really nothing ever wrong or needing to be different. Through our conversation, what I became very aware of was the many ways in which I have used my body to speak for me.

I have used it in relationships as a means of bartering.
When I rock climbed, it was my body expressing it self with intensity and the fire of my desire having a way to burn.
Running cross country it was a force propelling me toward better, faster, stronger.

Now I see the ages effect on my skin, my tissues, muscles. I am not as inspired to be intense and push myself physically. I still get excited by the emotions conjured by climbing videos, but even then it is emotion brought on by the challenge. Perhaps there have been too many for me to feel empowered by them now.
When I practice now, rather than a train driving me forward, I feel myself settle into the space the body guides me into. I feel a soft expansion and calm. For me, that is when I know I am practicing Yoga, not stretching or doing calisthenics. The breath leads me and I surrender.