To love, to give and to receive

The week already seems a blur of meaningful moments and yet so much wisdom. I cannot remember all the postures, the sequences, the mantras or the guided pranayamas. I do remember the stability, the stillness, the prana, the grace. I remember relaxing into the joy of the movement. I remember the words as they touched my heart. I remember surrendering. No longer doing a pose, no longer trying to control or obtain a specific result.

As I am writing this, sitting at a cafe in the Toronto airport, a gentleman asked me if I was using a chair. I looked at his averted eyes and with a bright smile, I said, "No." He grabbed the chair and pulled it away. I felt my angry flash. The judgment pressed in my mind. How rude! And then I laughed. What am I afraid of losing? Certainly not the chair! It is my sense of self importance. With my mind turned toward the manner of his behaviour, I am turning away from my own inherent joy. He does not need to reject me, I have already rejected my heart and placed my awareness on my thoughts, rather than on my capacity to love. As I remember, the smile returns and my fingers dance across the keyboard to share this amazing experience with all of you.

The two situations share the same element of safety. In a room of ParaYogis and Yogarupa there is only love and compassion, it is so easy to feel my heart, surrender my fears.

I am the only one who can truly love me.
I am the only one who can truly honour me.
I am the only one responsible to care for me.

To be a teacher who can hold that much space for others, one must be able to hold more space for oneself, for a true teacher embodies what they teach.
Practice, practice, practice.

Dancing by the butter

Practice was challenging and definitely ignited tejas. I left the room walking with a new experience of my hips and a spring in my heart. As stood by the butter, my hips needed to move, shifting the weight from one leg to the other. More importantly, my heart was singing. My heart was dancing and I could feel the sparkle in my eyes. I was no longer competing to be a valuable human doing on this planet. I was free from my desire for that. I was just relishing joy.

This morning, more than 24 hours later, still feeling a little lighter than usual, and I can now also feel the edge of the competition returning. And I feel comforted that I have tools to return to the state of clarity. No need to compete, only to be radiant joy.

This is yoga!

With a little help from my friends....

It's time. Time for me to leave the 'real world' behind and head out on my own adventure.
How lucky am I to experience this so frequently!
How lucky am I to be able to have the support of family and friends to take care of some of the responsibilities I have so I can drop them for a week!
How lucky am I to be able to make the necessary resources to pursue my dreams!
I used to believe I did not have dreams and yet, here I am so happy to be going where I am going and doing what I am doing. Clearly I have a dream and clearly I am manifesting... with a lot of help from my friends.

Jealousy being a sign

Using an exercise in "The Artists Way" I am thinking about the people I am jealous of. I would have to say one of the top people would be my ex. He has the capacity to travel anywhere, anytime pretty much. He has what seems to me to be very little responsibility. What does that tell me? I want time and money to do new things. I want others to support me.
Hmmm....
That explains why I am also jealous of some of these guys who have worked at the RC. They are off to climb full time. To travel and release all responsibility. They are traveling together as friends and partners.

Kind of tells me I am looking for a little less responsibility and lot more connection. How on earth can that happen?
Maybe responsibility is a state of mind, not an actuality. Perhaps I am making myself responsible for things I do not need to accept. What could I stop being responsible for?

Ahhh... I could stop feeling responsible for others valuing my contribution, company and/or support. That feels a lot lighter. Maybe connecting to myself will make me more available to others. Maybe.
Worth a shot.