Brene Brown, researcher storyteller found in TED talks, speaks of the discovery that vulnerability is necessary to experience real joy, a whole heart. Does a heart need to be completely shattered to piece it back into wholeness. Is it the depths of shame, fear, loss and despair that get us in touch with ourselves, all that we truly only have - ourselves?
Is that the gift in my divorce? Being left for another person pushing the shame of me to the forefront of the world. Despite being so completely humiliated, rejected, betrayed and afraid, some people still loved me. I so clearly remember asking God for an answer, trying to understand why I had to experience such pain. What was it that kept me curious? I must have believed that there was some greater good to come from all that was happening; that somehow it must have some meaning that I could not see.
Here it is, a few years later and this curiosity has continued. When a new betrayal or rejection confronts me, and I move toward resentment, I see how I am letting the 'I am not enough' thoughts permeate my being. Resentment reflecting a need to defend myself. Sure, I am feeling hurt, but I am the one giving the action the meaning that it was because of ME. I am now certain it is not about me at all. "If the child asks for bread and none is forth coming, has not the father answered." I choose to be happy, not right. I choose to honour my own values and work on not judging the actions of others, after all, have I not also committed selfish acts?
So, I sit in stillness and get to know me. I have eventually begun to believe that I am enough no matter what. Sure the feeling of 'not enough' still comes and goes, and I am still influenced by the pull of others at times, but now I have had a glimpse of the truth, and I have tools to revisit the essence of who I am. I consider myself very fortunate to have gotten an answer from the Divine.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
The raging tyrant
Last night and today were filled with moments of cleaning, fixing and doing. All the while, bantering around in the background of my mind are the angry thoughts,the resentments toward people and the unhappiness that I am not selfishly lying in the sun reading a good book. As the evening draws to a close, I am thinking about a good book about stillness. One more thing to put away, one more thing to clean... It seems endless.
Then the words creep into my conscious awareness, "this is the right way to worship, the real Yoga;not to perfect physical postures, but to make every home a happy home."
It is not the doing that brings happiness, but the connection to ones own heart, leaving open for others to meet. All the effort to perfect my home, and I missed hours of opportunity.
It is a good thing there is tomorrow. And it is a great thing that I could see it.
Then the words creep into my conscious awareness, "this is the right way to worship, the real Yoga;not to perfect physical postures, but to make every home a happy home."
It is not the doing that brings happiness, but the connection to ones own heart, leaving open for others to meet. All the effort to perfect my home, and I missed hours of opportunity.
It is a good thing there is tomorrow. And it is a great thing that I could see it.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Uniqueness
Conversations swirl around me and I listen, hearing the sense of "I" in all of it. "I" was thinking ...., "I" don't think she has dealt with...., "my" back is....
Is it true? Who is this "I" we give so much credence to? How can I know what I think is right or true? None can see just as I see because they do not have my experiences on which to interpret these circumstances. Nor I their experiences. Perhaps we do not even value the same things. Perhaps we do but we express those values differently.
Seems that allowing others to be who they are all the while allowing me to be who I am is the only answer. And when the two are in conflict, I must make an adjustment that is true to who I am. None can be and I can be no one else, so my answers must be unique to me. Then there is only accepting others in their uniqueness too.
Is it true? Who is this "I" we give so much credence to? How can I know what I think is right or true? None can see just as I see because they do not have my experiences on which to interpret these circumstances. Nor I their experiences. Perhaps we do not even value the same things. Perhaps we do but we express those values differently.
Seems that allowing others to be who they are all the while allowing me to be who I am is the only answer. And when the two are in conflict, I must make an adjustment that is true to who I am. None can be and I can be no one else, so my answers must be unique to me. Then there is only accepting others in their uniqueness too.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Love is internal
"Love is internal.... Only Interiority can give you Bliss."
I came across this quote yesterday and it was for me a profound truth.
Loving oneself just as I am opens the door to real understanding of all that I am. Believing that everything I do is enough at least for that moment it was my best is the first step in self acceptance. If I do not love who I am, how can I love others? Without self acceptance, everything I do is tinged with doubt and a lack of self-respect.
Sounds easy enough... but then yesterday I was reminded that even my thoughts of how I try to live according to the Golden Rule, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" fall short. Can I honestly say that my actions do not harm others? No... when Fynn insisted on a bike ride and that involved mechanical work in the cold and not doing what I really wanted to be doing, my actions of prepping the bike and going for a ride were creating resentment within me toward him. It was very unloving to me and to him. And yet to the outside world, I was probably looking good. Not doing isn't the answer either, for then I would have felt denied Fynn and that too would have felt bad. The solution was to find the way within me that could allow for the doing with the desire to do.
Love is internal.
It is not what you do. It is what you do with a full open heart and positive intention that is blended love, for oneself and for the other.
I came across this quote yesterday and it was for me a profound truth.
Loving oneself just as I am opens the door to real understanding of all that I am. Believing that everything I do is enough at least for that moment it was my best is the first step in self acceptance. If I do not love who I am, how can I love others? Without self acceptance, everything I do is tinged with doubt and a lack of self-respect.
Sounds easy enough... but then yesterday I was reminded that even my thoughts of how I try to live according to the Golden Rule, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" fall short. Can I honestly say that my actions do not harm others? No... when Fynn insisted on a bike ride and that involved mechanical work in the cold and not doing what I really wanted to be doing, my actions of prepping the bike and going for a ride were creating resentment within me toward him. It was very unloving to me and to him. And yet to the outside world, I was probably looking good. Not doing isn't the answer either, for then I would have felt denied Fynn and that too would have felt bad. The solution was to find the way within me that could allow for the doing with the desire to do.
Love is internal.
It is not what you do. It is what you do with a full open heart and positive intention that is blended love, for oneself and for the other.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Armed with shoes
A new challenge faces me tomorrow and I sense my own excitement and trepidation at the same time. I will be getting uncomfortable. Heck, I already am uncomfortable. As the thoughts about what may happen play out in my head, my heart pounds a little faster, a little louder.
Hello fear. You cannot have me now. I am too busy being focused and breathing. A cute pair of shoes and listening and offering, and it will all be fantastic because everyone coming is fantastic and they will bring the answers, my job is just to create the space.
Hello fear. You cannot have me now. I am too busy being focused and breathing. A cute pair of shoes and listening and offering, and it will all be fantastic because everyone coming is fantastic and they will bring the answers, my job is just to create the space.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Layers upon layers
What started as a simple call turned into a dark drama.
Anger tore through me. "How dare he! This is not right!" Fortunately, alone, I just let this dialogue of my mind swirl.
Then another layer of mind interferes. "But wait, don't I believe that I am not these thoughts?"
Deeper still, the thought arises, "I remember this feeling. This is just like when that person behaved this same way." A feeling of being out of control erupted.
There was some deeper layer holding me back from fully giving in to this. There was some layer of curiosity about what was true.
Then from my heart sprung the words - "This is fear."
In that moment of recognition the emotion transformed from intense anger and confusion to fear and sadness.
I could still sense a subtle exploration for a truth. Then a thought whispered, "What someone else does isn't about you. It's about them and their own pain."
In an instant I could see how I has been set up. I could see my own momentum that carried me into this. A dry quick meal, eaten in stages. A glass of wine drunk with the goal of relaxing, all the while continually moving. Waiting and rushing at the same time all day. No time for just sitting and connecting to my soul, the essence of that little girl in the picture my big sister Cathy had posted, holding her sisters hand and blocking sunshine from her eyes.
I could see I was reacting to a litany of memories that triggered these negative feelings which I attributed to defence about some lacking within me.
Even with this recognition the powerful habitual thinking that was taking me on this roller coaster ride was reminding me, "If you just committed to more practice. You should meditate more. You should do more asana practice." And there it was again, that habitual quiet voice critiquing me at every opportunity.
This time I smiled. I turned away from the story of memories, the thinking part that was trying to figure it out and the sensory stimuli that was still living in that past moment that had started this ride. I turned toward my own essence. I looked for that little girl within me. I looked for the force of life that draws breath into my body. My body softened. My face relaxed and I could feel a smooth softer breath come into my body.
"None of this is about me," she said.
The whole event was story steeped in memories of emotional response, that wrote a story about the event and who this Heather is to the rest of the world. And there backstage is this Divine little girl, quietly waiting her turn.
Anger tore through me. "How dare he! This is not right!" Fortunately, alone, I just let this dialogue of my mind swirl.
Then another layer of mind interferes. "But wait, don't I believe that I am not these thoughts?"
Deeper still, the thought arises, "I remember this feeling. This is just like when that person behaved this same way." A feeling of being out of control erupted.
There was some deeper layer holding me back from fully giving in to this. There was some layer of curiosity about what was true.
Then from my heart sprung the words - "This is fear."
In that moment of recognition the emotion transformed from intense anger and confusion to fear and sadness.
I could still sense a subtle exploration for a truth. Then a thought whispered, "What someone else does isn't about you. It's about them and their own pain."
In an instant I could see how I has been set up. I could see my own momentum that carried me into this. A dry quick meal, eaten in stages. A glass of wine drunk with the goal of relaxing, all the while continually moving. Waiting and rushing at the same time all day. No time for just sitting and connecting to my soul, the essence of that little girl in the picture my big sister Cathy had posted, holding her sisters hand and blocking sunshine from her eyes.
I could see I was reacting to a litany of memories that triggered these negative feelings which I attributed to defence about some lacking within me.
Even with this recognition the powerful habitual thinking that was taking me on this roller coaster ride was reminding me, "If you just committed to more practice. You should meditate more. You should do more asana practice." And there it was again, that habitual quiet voice critiquing me at every opportunity.
This time I smiled. I turned away from the story of memories, the thinking part that was trying to figure it out and the sensory stimuli that was still living in that past moment that had started this ride. I turned toward my own essence. I looked for that little girl within me. I looked for the force of life that draws breath into my body. My body softened. My face relaxed and I could feel a smooth softer breath come into my body.
"None of this is about me," she said.
The whole event was story steeped in memories of emotional response, that wrote a story about the event and who this Heather is to the rest of the world. And there backstage is this Divine little girl, quietly waiting her turn.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Confusion
In Yoga - family means the people you live with. The people in your life on an immediate basis. Sometimes I feel my family is very small. I am very alone. I am a parent raising a child on my own and I guess everyone sees me as so capable they do not realize I really feel overwhelmed with what I am doing. To 'do' parenting and my job, I have stopped taking time to just be. My Yoga Intensives are trips back to just being me.
Maybe it has nothing to do with being a single parent. Maybe most people feel this way. Maybe most folks are so busy doing, they cannot imagine just sitting and being. As I worry over who may help me with dog sitting, and if only it could not cost a lot, I realize for anyone else it would just be one more 'doing' taking them away from their own being.
If I could just remember that being is what it is really all about all the time, especially when I am thinking about the desire for more charms on my bracelet, or even one more Yoga Intensive. If I could also just remember not to take a 'no' personally. It's only about me, when I am rejecting myself.
The fear of someone saying no or the expense of dog sitting is me rejecting my own resourcefulness. I have never yet had to cancel a trip because I did not have a dog sitter. I have never yet gone hungry. And that says a lot coming from a chick who left NS in a truck with her boyfriend 11 yrs younger than herself, with a cracked head gasket driving to Colorado in winter with credit card debt, student loans, $200 cash, 2 boxes of Power Bars and a dream.
I believed in a dream, a partnership and OUR potential. Clearly he is my ex because I need to believe in MY potential.
Maybe it has nothing to do with being a single parent. Maybe most people feel this way. Maybe most folks are so busy doing, they cannot imagine just sitting and being. As I worry over who may help me with dog sitting, and if only it could not cost a lot, I realize for anyone else it would just be one more 'doing' taking them away from their own being.
If I could just remember that being is what it is really all about all the time, especially when I am thinking about the desire for more charms on my bracelet, or even one more Yoga Intensive. If I could also just remember not to take a 'no' personally. It's only about me, when I am rejecting myself.
The fear of someone saying no or the expense of dog sitting is me rejecting my own resourcefulness. I have never yet had to cancel a trip because I did not have a dog sitter. I have never yet gone hungry. And that says a lot coming from a chick who left NS in a truck with her boyfriend 11 yrs younger than herself, with a cracked head gasket driving to Colorado in winter with credit card debt, student loans, $200 cash, 2 boxes of Power Bars and a dream.
I believed in a dream, a partnership and OUR potential. Clearly he is my ex because I need to believe in MY potential.
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