Sankalpa is a powerful thing. A goal, an aspiration. As I reflect this morning on a sankalpa to lead me into the New year, I am stumped. Not because of a lack of things I want to accomplish. Oh no... there are plenty of things I would like to accomplish, to change in my life. No, it is because of the challenge of discerning which of those many things to focus on first and then immediately skipping to the how. It is a lack of faith that it will just happen unless I make it happen.
Just call me 'control.'
Where did the power to just go on the road and be a rock climber go? What happened to the fearlessness that I had all those years ago disappear to? That bravery is now buried under mounds of responsibility and things that will distract me from having to live up to that uncomfortable lifestyle. Spending your days living in a car or van, even a Ford F-150 is very freeing from responsibility, but it can be challenging to always have to cook hunched over your legs. Or to get dressed laying down.
So perhaps it is not the responsibility as much as the fear of getting that uncomfortable again. Fear of not having enough juice to do it all and then some more. It's easy to sit behind the excuse of being a single parent. Lots of people cut me slack for my very full life. It isn't easy. But it is also joyful and fun and can certainly fill ones days. And yet, there is also the possibility to add to the spice of my own life. Maybe a PhD is not the answer. Maybe the how is to just do what it is I love to do, allow the world to see it.
That takes faith and patience and perhaps a little hope, but definitely just takes doing. Can you guess what it is that I love and haven't been courageous enough to share fully with the world?
Are you holding something back?
Here's to 2012! Just a little doing each day, like one Yoga pose leads into a sequence and one 5.7 leads to 5.13, if you just keep doing.
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