I am sometimes confused about how long ago it started that Fynn had to leave me to be with his Dad, but this time, something has stood out; I recognized the same pattern that emerges every time. Yes, I always get a little on edge or excited some might say, a little more intense, but this time I heard the self talk that breeds that intensity.
It begins with, 'I need to lose weight.' yes, I harken back to the early University days of anorexia. I become very dissatisfied with my appearance; it calls for coloring my hair or cutting it, doing my brows, you get the picture. The evidence of how much I need to change with myself continues to grow. I need to drink less wine, exercise more, get a better job, write my blog, clean my housemate do the weeding and mowing... And so on.
I see the link now between feeling the loss of my son, my connection to him disrupted, and self rejection. If nothing else, it has made me stand back and question those ideas I just took for granted were true. Maybe I don't need to loose weight, maybe the lawn is ok and perhaps it's alright to just focus on the possibilities of this moment.
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