Spring Cleaning

The local CBC radio program is running a little contest for folks who need assistance decluttering their homes. As I listen to people discuss the amount of clutter and disorganization they are suffering from, I begin to think, "they just have too much stuff."
"I don't have too much stuff."
"Ha!" my mind retorts, "you have too much in your mind."

And I know it is true. Thoughts bounce between the rather serious work incidents this week, the upcoming events I've committed myself to, the dogs and their well-being, the commitments I am making just seem to never end.

All week I have been trying to coach myself into approaching all actions with love, even the little ones. And yet, I find myself just wanting to sit in a chair in front of the fire and watch TV while snacking on my vata/pitta deranging treats. And I do. I am getting through some pretty full days and my new home project and then collapsing into mindlessness.

I get it. I understand easy it is to hoard things. I don't hoard stuff, I hoard stuff to do. I have a very strong vikalpa around doing means I am worth loving. I pack my life full of ways of trying to be helpful to others. I find myself suddenly up to teaching four Yoga classes a week, doing my 9-5 pm work, adding in a few climbing work opportunities and working on the board of a non profit. Ironically, one of the things I need to do is prepare for an upcoming training with my teacher and I need to work with giving up a not so healthy habit and working with vikalpa. I've added entertaining folks at my home and doing a little kitchen upgrade project for good measure.

I wake up every morning saying I will take care of myself and because I am continually moving through a day packed with commitments, I don't. I collapse into a mindlessness relationship with my computer instead.

So... a new resolve. I feel clutter free. I am approaching the things in my life with joy and anticipation, love. Now... the bad habit...computer time. Ahhhh...yes, computer time.

Life goes on.

Last month, at our month 108 gathering, I divulged my darkest secret struggle. It is a negative thought, feeling that I push away whenever it arises. I don't write about it and yet I really feel a need to talk to someone about it. And at the same time, it feels silly. Well, maybe silly isn't the right word. I feel very vulnerable acknowledging it.

I am getting older. This year, in just two months I will turn fifty. Yup, I acknowledged that publicly. I have always been fortunate that people think I am younger than I am, but I am embarrassed to be getting so old. And I feel it physically. I try climbing every now and again and all these thrutchy, dynamic movements feel horrible on my joints. I try running and my knees are not so happy with me going up the stairs that night. The worst is that I look in the mirror and I see a belly that just won't be flat like it used to and grey, wirey hair protruding through the brown. I feel old.

I have always had a lot of fire, intensity. I have always been a results oriented focus. This tenacity has gotten me up some pretty hard routes, I've graduated from many degrees and certifications and I have created more than a few careers for myself. I work two jobs and raise a child alone. I get the job done, albeit not always well loved by those who have felt my fire ;) I still feel that fire. I don't want to slow down and not be great at the physical pursuits I once was great at. And yet, I don't want to have a great running speed for the sake of loosing belly fat or feeling strong. I don't want to send V9 to prove I still can.

I want the more subtle nuances of my strength and stamina. I want to feel the expansion through my core and the strength to sustain it as I feel it in warrior three. I want to experience that feeling of surrender to discomfort in a pose rather than the continued forceful persistence. I want the gracefulness that comes with acceptance and skillful effort.

This morning, I came across an article on the Yoga International website. Titled, Aging Gracefully, the author, Debra Willoughby recounts her experience of physical decline and what she eventually gained from it. And I am encouraged by the words of my teacher's teacher. Since starting my journey with Yoga, faith has always been the key. As my mother declined last year and eventually past away, I saw very clearly the inevitable for all of us, but I believed while her body left us, her spirit never did. Her live was full of meaning and purpose.

“As long as we remain inspired to discover why we came to this world, we remain youthful,” he said. “Old age has no power over us when we are accompanied by faith that we have something precious to experience and achieve in this lifetime. This faith sparks a burning desire to know the true nature of the invisible force that lies at the core of our being, and when it wells up, nothing—not the lack of worldly resources, a limited knowledge of philosophy, the absence of a living guide, or even old age—can stand in the way of our inner fulfillment.” Pandit Rajmani Tigunait.

Work of a Lifetime

I want my life to have meaning. Last night I pondered who would come to my funeral. I could see people whose heart I had touched and those who would not come because of the distance between us or because of their own desire not to face death and loss. Still it happens.

These thoughts seem so far removed from asana - the poses we use on the mat, and yet those poses are the seeds to who would show up when I die. When I saw those faces, I saw the many faces of those with whom I study, practice and teach Yoga. Those faces are the people who are willing to open their own hearts and be vulnerable and accepting - of me and them selves.

Yoga happens on the mat, for sure. But there is no perfect representation of a pose, only a perfect degree of acceptance of how the pose manifests in ones body, moves energy and awakens the spirit. More importantly, once the spirit comes awake and curiosity to examine life from a new understanding is born, perspective on everything in life changes... for the better.

Stillness and Steadiness

Yesterday my son brings his computer into the kitchen. He is watching a show.
I ponder the clues to my crossword puzzle; What is that word, oh... ice cream. Yes, it fits. What number is that?
What is he watching?'
Was it across or down?'
How long has he been watching shows?
86 across, Will's wife.
He is eating again. What time is it? Maybe I should start supper.

Even as I sit and write, I notice the continual movement of my dogs. Waiting for me to get up and take them out for a morning walk. Pacing. It draws me away from the story, then I can come back, only to be drawn away again.

Next week there will be 18 young people at my work for a camp. I will have instructors to work with them, but I will also be expected to assist and to be with these busy little people. My days will be full of being drawn out to new tasks and then to try to return to tasks half finished. It is just the nature of my work.

This is exhausting for me. Trying to recapture my focus takes precious energy. I am naturally an introvert, recharging my batteries through the process of self reflection and quiet study or working with only one or two people. I would exchange loud noisy places with lots of people for a quiet conversation with one other person outside under a big tree with no one in sight.

Chaos is an inevitable part of life. Yoga has taught me how to live with it. How to manage my own energy so it doesn't escape me too quickly and so I can easily focus while in the midst of the chaos. That takes practice, lots of practice. It requires asana, breath work and meditation. It requires restoration. It requires warm comforting foods. Good sleep. A bit of hibernation when I can. The only control I have is the energy I bring to meet the ups and downs of life.

The wagon has been a bumpy ride since making my New Year resolutions. The challenges of everyday life have not made it possible to have all the shakti I need to get through in the best ways possible. More importantly, I notice I have not reached out for help. I have stumbled through it alone. Because I am the only one I trust. And because my healthy ego doesn't want to admit it needs help.

So I have stumbled.
I have binged on TV and salty snacks and wine.
I have not exercised or practiced asana when I could have.
I have sat resisting the cold and been blaming Mother Nature for my choices.

Well, it is time to also note, I have offered myself self acceptance. It is cold. It is unpleasant to walk the dogs when it is -12 degrees. It is hard to sit in meditation for 30 minutes when I would rather stay under the covers longer. The discipline to do these things robs me of the shakti to make other challenging choices. So I understand and have compassion. And I will hold it all a little lighter. This life is a practice. There is no perfect ending, only continual change.

But spring, please hurry!

Always Evolving

Shoveling snow, watching dogs, rushing so I could get to work and Fynn to school on time. Every morning and every afternoon it is the same. While I have a to do list an arm long, he sits idle usually in front of a screen.

When we get in the car and I am trying to explain to my 12, soon to be 13 year old, that he has a responsibility to look around himself and notice the impact his choices and actions have on those around him.
He told me he is still a child and should not have to be responsible. I promptly explained if he wanted to be considered a child, I would be happy to take away some of the freedoms that come with becoming a teenager, along with my expectations for him to be responsible.

As I ponder this encounter, I come to think about our society and it's expectations that someone else will take responsibility. Culturally we don't like to take responsibility and yet, we demand the right to happiness and freedom. Just like my son.

The news of late has been full of the backlash surrounding an article that suggests Nova Scotians need to take preventive actions toward personal health. It is not the governments job to pay for all ailments, treatments and services. While some people find this refreshing, others are taken aback.

I feel so very fortunate to live in a country that is not at war or political unrest. I feel blessed to have clean air and to have been given the opportunities to become educated and employable. To have a health care system that is there in time of need.

And I am especially grateful for the opportunity that the study of Yoga has brought to me. The study of Yoga has taught me that I am responsible for my unhappiness. In the ParaYoga newsletter in my inbox this morning, it read,

"You are constantly changing. From moment to moment, propelled by the force of becoming, you are endlessly becoming... something. According to the yoga tradition, every moment is a choice, which winds up either supporting your personal growth or moving you in the opposite direction. The study of yoga is learning to identify the methods that will most positively influence you in the direction of change and, in the process, enhance the whole of your life and fulfill its highest purpose. The practice of yoga is the discipline of applying what you have learned. It always comes down to practice."

Although I worry about a child who seems self absorbed and desire for him to become a kind and helpful adult, I know that the only choices I control are my own. Setting boundaries for myself in relationships with others will be paramount to my successful growth.

What about you? What will you practice?

A little down time.

Yesterday I was exhausted and defeated by the end of the day. I have been practicing and doing Nidra and still I was spent. It's been a seven day work week with evening calls and worries and yet, I just committed myself to one more thing every week.

Why do I do this to myself?

Because I do not know how to set boundaries. Because I want my life to have meaning so I chase things people want from me or stick with people who do not support me. Actually let me rephrase that... I stick with people, support people to my own detriment.

I know things are bad when I get in the car and head off to do another task and I am thinking... I want to be like those people sitting in that cafe. I want to have down time.

And I am a Yogini. I know that I am the one who gets to choose what I do and how much love I take into every action. When I feel this way, it is time to step back, move beyond the three lower chakras and enable myself to come to these tasks with love, not resistance. It is up to me to connect to something bigger than myself to get back on track.

Time to haul out my Ayurveda notes and start with physical self care.