Joy and Freedom

My mom has spent the past while living with cancer. We have all been living with cancer. The days in the hospital sitting by her bed was easy compared to leaving her overnight and anxious for the next morning when I could talk to her again and wondering what was next. As mom continued to decline, my sisters and I spent the weeks planning around the weekends, trying to give Dad a break and each of us a break. My brother took the day to day with both Mom and Dad. We had moments of great depth and love and moments of deep sadness and worry.

I always saw my father as no nonsense, get-the-job-done, tenacious spirit. I now see my father as a man with compassion, tenderness and endless patience. Last week he managed to get my very weak mother from her wheelchair into the truck and took her for a drive to the look-off. They sat together in the truck, just loving the view and their lives together. My siblings have a strength and courage I had not witness so keenly before, managing the reality of home care at the end of life, their own emotions while protecting and supporting their own families.

Life has changed forever. Now that she is gone, my mom is in my heart, but she will no longer be holding me and pointing out my strength and grace when I need it. Mom was the epitome of grace. She did not cry, she did not talk about fear, she just went through it with her beautiful smile and her humour, bringing me down from my 'big picture view' to the mundane. All she really asked for was for us to be with her, to visit her. And though I thought I had accepted this cancer in our lives, I see now, that my fatigue after a visit, my anxiety before were indicators I was really not accepting the way things were. I continually saw the ground we were losing and not really loving what we still had. I kept trying to find faith or freedom by exploring the bigger picture rather than sitting in the daily moments with her. I guess freedom is not in the big picture of life where I usually sit analyzing my experiences, rather it is in the moment, connected with someone we love.

Once again mom... you did it once again.

Bring on the curiosity

I found myself standing in a restaurant waiting for my soup to go. I had toyed with the idea of sitting in and eating, but the introverted me wanted to go home and relax and stop having to do stuff. And I still had stuff to do when I got home; walk the dog, clean up after the dog, get the fire going, clean the bathroom - all this is tough to get done on a teacher training weekend. Hence - I gave up on cooking. Or rather, I knew myself well enough to know I would not go home and prepare something healthy and nourishing.

As I wait a couple arrive and begin to ask the hostess questions. The busy hostess offers them menus to peruse and turns her attention to other customers. The gentleman seems curious about everything. He asks if I eat here often and what I recommend. I offer him a suggestion to take a look at the pizza just being brought out of the pizza oven. We continue our conversation and I eventually ask them about themselves. They seem a little reserved at first, but gradually tell me about this trip to Halifax and previous visits.

Soon my soup arrives and I make my departure, saying good night to the couple. As I made my way to the car I realize how unlike me that was. I normally don't just chat with strangers. I normally keep to myself, I observe, analyze. Create stories about what I am seeing. I realize there is a smile playing on my lips and I feel light. Funny... I think, I didn't do the asana practice today, I taught the class. But I am pretty clear that this is my best self shining in this moment. Tejas. This is why people go to Yoga. This is my goal for the people who come to my class; that at the end of all those postures, they shine, feel lighter.

For me, being able to offer what I know and to help others settle into themselves is an incredible experience. The challenge is how to get them on my side, excited to challenge themselves. We are afraid that if let go of all the mental effort, if we admit we don't know, we will somehow lose something, perhaps respect of others, perhaps it is the idea of ourselves as good enough. It is hard to have faith that if we surrender we will be safe. This probably explains why I love teaching material that I am just getting to understanding, because just maybe I won't know the answer, but that just somehow ignites my spirit to understand more. I know I can't know happiness when I sit in comfort. If I am not a little uncomfortable, struggling to understand the next thing or teach it better, I really don't shine. It's like rock climbing, the next hard route put me in a place of having to open myself to bringing everything I knew and considering what I didn't - and even then I would fail the first 50 times. What kept me inspired - the curiosity of whether I could do it. Perhaps that's what keeps me sitting trying to meditate - curiosity of what will happen if I stay. :)

Arjuna's path

This morning in meditation, a thought past my mind, a memory really. Yesterday as I chatted with a fellow Yogi about purpose, I said, "Arjuna's dharma wasn't fighting the war, it was to seek justice." Now to give you a little background, I was referring to the Bhagavad Gita, a story about Arjuna's discovery of God within himself and realizing the true reality of human existence. We meet Arjuna on the battle field where he is in despair and collapsed, wanting to renounce his role in this war because it will mean killing his own kinsmen. Krishna, who we come to discover is really God, but acting as his chariot driver, is attempting to get Arjuna to understand the bigger reality.

Yesterday, even as I said the words, I was realizing that perhaps I had been looking at what I understood to be my dharma (purpose) without this same perspective. I have gone through the four desires workshop a few times and have worked and reworked my purpose, gaining knowledge also about what stands in the way and what I really desire that will support my purpose. My latest version is I surrender to Divine Grace, radiating my light and sharing my creativity.

I am not a big fan of the surrendering part. But as I was reflecting on my own words and the meaning of that to me, I realize what I am really trying to express is I act with faith. As I think back through the years, I can see that I the times of real success and joy in my life, have been the times I have been willing to just let go and let god as they say. The times I have launched a makeshift raft into a lake and go on an adventure, not really knowing if it will sink or not. When I sold pretty much everything I owned and got in a Mazda GLC and went on a climbing trip. When I gave up having to send and just climbed my best, hoping for the best.

This is what my purpose is... to act with faith and confidence. To shine means I need to act. Not just surrender. It means to share my thoughts, wisdom and knowledge with faith and confidence, from a place of inner joy. So grateful for that conversation yesterday!

Sacrifice

Tonight I read, 'our energy follows our awareness.' This is a paraphrase from Living Tantra, a lecture series by Panditji Tiguait Rajamani.

I get it... When my awareness is on what is wrong, my energy becomes all about what is wrong and follows that wave of thinking. So to change it, I need to look for the joy and love around me and place my attention there. Seems simple enough. But I notice the habit of my mind wanting to return to the complaints. More over, I recognize that what my mind continually does in response to the negative thoughts is to defend me, my ego self. Funny, because really that means my awareness is always on what others think of me and making sure they approve. Hmmm, that's a bigger change then just looking at the good things around me.

Who am I if I am none of the roles or accomplishments? Can I believe I am worth loving, and my love has value if I have absolutely nothing else to offer?

Mother Teresa said, 'there are no great acts, only small acts of great love.' This must be what she means. Our value is inherent, our intention to love is what makes the act great. And really then, none of it can change ones inherent worthiness.

The great love a parent offers a child, willing to sacrifice time, money, and ones own identity in many ways is an amazing taste of this. The countless hockey games, practices, the lunches, the snacks, the homework, the laundry... Just things parents do. You become a parent and you realize how much effort it takes, how much time it consumes and how it just doesn't seem to end. There's no, 'I sent my project' moment. I've climbed full time and being a parent is definitely harder. I'ld say it's more like running a gym or cleaning new routes at a crag.

And yet any act with great love is special. That's the key. The great love part. It's important if that energy following awareness is energy of great love or not.

Idle no more

So... this is not about the movement that is interrupting traffic in Windsor, Ontario. This is the idleness in Sambro Head. I am a busy woman. I am a single parent, Yoga teacher and a Recreation Coordinator, and this week that has meant a week of Yoga teaching, caring for a child with a cold, and trying to get my job of coordinating done. I feel I am doing all of it with very little success. So I hide myself in yet another read that promises to help me overcome my life and save myself from me.

Stephen Cope's new book, "The Great Work of Your Life; A Guide to the Journey of Your True Calling," is another book about dharma... your life's purpose. This was also in fact the topic of the Yoga weekend. I know my dharma; I have worked through this process with Rod Stryker and his work in the book "The Four Desires."

I live my dharma in many areas of my life. And yet, sometimes my life feels like a struggle. Comparing myself to the amazing examples Cope discusses, Susan B Anthony and her intensity to gain the vote for women, Thoreau's creating the perfect environment for himself to write; I cannot wonder... did they ever feel this sense of struggle? I remember when I was writing my book. I created a schedule and a routine around writing. I stopped pursuing other things and focused all of my attention to the task. I wrote, even when it felt like a focus. I was creating the conditions that supported writing and that is why when the book was published it felt so great. I was fully committed to it. And life still had moments of struggle. It was no different with climbing hard projects. The focus required, creating the conditions that allowed me to climb my best and the effort. And I even understand how important it is to let go of the outcome of the attempt, in order to be my best.

I think dharma is something I live by choice and by continually choosing I mitigate the struggle little by little. It doesn't happen all at once or forever. It really only happens in spurts which I hope get longer and more expansive. And I do believe the key is the recognition that I care about something so much, I am willing to do all of what it takes to make it happen. I care about my son and his best life. I care about becoming more aware of my true Self and sharing that. So I guess as long as I always choose that, I may still face struggle, but at least I will know my heart and that will make it all meaningful.

Faith in Your Effort

It never ceases to amaze me the power one little phrase or a few words can have. I was listening to Panditji from the Himalayan Institute talk about creating the environment for practice (meditation) and mixed in with many other quickly recited instructions was the comment, "have faith in your effort."

I found myself scrolling back the talk to hear it again. Faith in your effort. Such a powerful thought for me. This little comment gave me a big huge space to see that I try so hard because I actually lack faith in my effort. While Fynn was with his Dad, I had a check list of things to do. I focused on getting homework questions answered correctly, not on faith that my understanding was sufficient and woudl be revealed in my answers. I didn't focus on the intention to offer a small token of my love to people I was shopping for, rather, I was focused on getting gifts for everyone on my list and to keep it within a budget. I didn't focus on relaxing and taking care of myself in this brief relief from parenting, I realized I was focused on being productive and filling time with something with an outcome like a puzzle and fixing the trim in the house.

I have not planned any resolutions for 2013, but I have established a resolve. A resolve to have faith in my effort. To approach the things my heart tells me to do with the resolve to have faith in my effort. I feel happier and more fulfilled, relaxed. I haven't stopped doing, just changed the focus from the outcome to being in the process of doing.

The ethical life

With the close of the fall and many changes and challenges swirling through my life, this little vata/pitta hybrid (this basically means I tend to multi-task without really getting the job done and burn up people as I go with my fire (ire), has felt the roller coaster ride between continual movement and the intensity to get the job done at all costs. The costs included a lack of personal nutrition, practice and basic self care beyond showering (most days) and only getting exercise with Bella, my steadfast companion; she walks me 2-3 times daily.
Not at all an ethical approach to living.

Having the quiet of home without a child to dictate my schedule and my attention, I have now taken some time to reflect on how it all happened. The root of it was I lost faith. I am not speaking of faith in God or the Universe, or in my mind Divine light within myself. I lost faith that my light was bright enough. I lost sight of it. I stopped believing that I would ultimately navigate my way through it.

The result = fear. Fear of being not enough; not good enough, strong enough or loveable enough. Bottom line, I wanted to feel like I was loved and my life had meaning. Truth was, I wanted that from folks who really were so busy trying to feel they had meaning and they were worthy that we really couldn't connect. Everyone was losing.

I remember so many years ago having that word - Faith - pop into my mind in a meditation and I spent months trying to grasp its meaning. The meaning I understand now, even though sometimes I lose sight of the feeling of faith. Because sometimes, especially when I don't take care of myself, I lose touch with my own fire; my light and I follow my mind into the world of 'what everyone else wants and thinks is most important'.

Real faith is living a life for myself, living in my own heart, 'to thy own self be true.' Not that I forsake responsibilities, because really being a single mom is one of the greatest gifts of all time, no matter how scheduled one can become while doing it. And finding yourself laying under sheets of foam trying to move the 30th sheet into position because you know the value of finding your own fire through climbing and want that for others, and That is what I call living an ethical life.