The power to thrive

"The more we understand this idea that the more I thrive, the more I fulfill my unique destiny that is consistent with the greater purpose of life itself, the more my thriving serves the worlds thriving." ~ Rod Stryker

I believe this teacher came to me on the heels of my separation because I habitually react to the things I believed were expected of me, rather than moving in the direction of my own passion, my own inherent needs.

If my soul were to truly speak its truth, today it would smile a thousand times at people I know and people I don't. Today it would stay grounded in the belief that what I want is okay too and I would not be afraid if it displeased someone. Today I would do everything as an expression of the pure pleasure of doing it.

It is so habitual to just keep thinking. Stillness opens us up to the heart and feeling. Today, I will move with stillness - to the best of my ability anyway. I have also been cautioned that taking things too seriously is not helpful either and I have a great tendency to do that in my efforts to change the world.

Since the beginning

I am sometimes confused about how long ago it started that Fynn had to leave me to be with his Dad, but this time, something has stood out; I recognized the same pattern that emerges every time. Yes, I always get a little on edge or excited some might say, a little more intense, but this time I heard the self talk that breeds that intensity.

It begins with, 'I need to lose weight.' yes, I harken back to the early University days of anorexia. I become very dissatisfied with my appearance; it calls for coloring my hair or cutting it, doing my brows, you get the picture. The evidence of how much I need to change with myself continues to grow. I need to drink less wine, exercise more, get a better job, write my blog, clean my housemate do the weeding and mowing... And so on.

I see the link now between feeling the loss of my son, my connection to him disrupted, and self rejection. If nothing else, it has made me stand back and question those ideas I just took for granted were true. Maybe I don't need to loose weight, maybe the lawn is ok and perhaps it's alright to just focus on the possibilities of this moment.

Shifting Awareness

I opened my iPad at 4 am and began to write. I recognized that perspective is all about the starting point and it seems with us humans, most always start from the place of being in a drama rather than a comedy. I started from the place of drama - look at all the stuff I have to do and worry about! But nothing I was doing at 3 am was going to affect those conditions so why worry about it?!?

What if I chose comedy? It is really quite comical to be unhappy about killing ants in the kitchen. Yes all life is sacred and these ants do not distinguish between my kitchen or their kitchen, they are just ants. And they are pretty funny to watch.

I could chose curiosity and ask myself what was the driving force behind agreeing to take my son to a lacrosse tournament in St John the day before he and I fly to Europe?

I could choose gratitude for all the conditions of my life that seem to attract my energy - work and the great amount of energy that it draws on to support all these summer campers, their parents, the instructors and the organization itself. I get paid to help people have fun while being in nature and moving! Very lucky indeed.

If these are all possible, why do I instinctively move to drama - despair, feeling overwhelmed? Fear? Seems my own ego self importance thinks it is all about me. How will anything happen properly without me?

Looks like I interrupted the story somewhere along the line and chose curiosity. And a little distraction - I went online and booked myself in Fulfillment with my teacher.

Truth

Being responsible, disciplined and honest... these are the things I value. Or so I thought. I was raised to 'do', to take care of, to be responsible. And so I have done, for years, that which I believed is expected of me. I have not always said what I wanted or what I was willing to do. And in a swift moment I realized that perhaps I was not as honest or responsible as I thought.

Doing what I believed is expected of me is not responsible if it is not something I want to do. Not saying what I am willing and not willing to do is also not honest.

To be responsible, I must choose based on what I want and believe in, on what I value. To be honest, I must live from the place of acknowledging and honouring my desires. Sometimes, doing what others want will be what I want and sometimes being silent about my needs or desires will be what I want or need. But this is the secret to authenticity and fearlessness. And real love for ones Self.

Worth it

So busy getting things done. Arrived at lacrosse late. We lost the game by a whooping 11-3. Arriving home, the package Fynn was expecting hadn't arrived. There is so much more still to do tomorrow.

Checked out the news and the story about Oprah's show. Watched an amazing video of a woman dying of cancer who video tapes messages for her daughter.
And I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself! I am not sick, I have years of life as far as I know with my son. A bright future, a beautiful home. I do not have problems. It seemed selfish to think I did.

Then I realized everyones problem feels just as big to them and we all to some degree feel that pain at one point or another in our lives.
No, the tantra approach is that you acknowledge your desires and pursue them. Not acknowledging or pursuing your dreams is telling yourself you are not worth it.
I am worth it.

Wonder

This morning I lay in bed and thinking, thinking. I was going through a litany of what was wrong and a passage I quickly skimmed in the Oprah magazine came to me. Oprah said that one of her favourite moments hosting her show occurred in seeing the face of a woman who had been mourning the death of her daughter for ten years when she absorbed Dr. Phil's comment, "So you have spent 10 years mourning the death of one day, rather than celebrating the 18 years of your daughters life." (paraphrase).

I asked myself, what am I mourning? And what could I be celebrating?

There is so much to celebrate, starting with the very breath that I breathe in. This well performing and mobile body I have and all this love around me. I am surrounded by beautiful trees, grass, the warmth of my home, or today a friend's home, I have plenty to eat and love all around. There is beauty in just this and yet, so often I awake thinking of some worry or resistance. Seems such a waste in the light of so much wonder.

Have a beautiful day!

Rolling right along

Today I reflected on words I heard recently; "There is never enough time." I have felt it myself. Today I managed to pick up my son only 50 min late and we will be out the door in 15 min after munching on warmed up pizza and tomato and cheese sandwiches. Is it any wonder I feel like I am accomplishing nothing. I haven't finished - at least not as well as I would like 3 projects at work. I promised myself I would prioritize which house project I would work on by actually costing out the three different options... nope haven't done that either. This blog is my candy, my free time, and even with this I will wish I spent more time writing it better.

Yoga has taught me to be a researcher, examining how I respond and feel about the things that are happening all the time, these little things. I ask why I feel unhappy about not completing a project to my own expectations all the time. Is that my ego, my perfectionist? Or is it because I truly desire to present myself 100% in everything I do all the time? It's a good question. Satisfying my ego will last for only a brief moment in a brief encounter. Satisfying my heart, expressing myself with complete honesty and truth is my soul.

So it is not about perfect outcomes, results. It is about whether I feel I have offered the best I have with what I've got (fatigue and all). Opening up to the full potential of myself or feeling limited. Ahhhh... as I write this I felt a few limiting thoughts creep in... time to examine them or maybe just sit in the stillness of my own self.