Creating my day

My son is off with his Dad. I feel sad. Incomplete. I am resisting all that is. I am resisting this split in our family.

I am caught in the idea of what MY family should be.
I am caught in MY judgment of what would make ME happier.
I am caught in MY thoughts of 'I haven't been able to do enough to be accepted, loved and valued.'
I am caught in my feelings of worthlessness, poverty, fear, loneliness.

Me Me Me. There is so much of me wrapped up in this. And then...
... around me are beautiful souls inviting me home... yes calling their home, MY home. They are MY family. Friends sending me love in emails. Blessed by people offering to help me, support me.
I almost missed it in my grief and sadness.

Both realities are always present.
Today I choose the reality of love and beauty. It takes more effort in some relationships, but I will focus on the ones where it is so evident. I will begin with holding myself; it is okay to not like some of what is happening. It is okay to resist this situation. It is also okay to choose love, attending to others with love to open my heart.

Room for a View

Yesterday, as I waited for a friend in a coffee shop, I listened as a woman complained of a co-worker. She was speaking of this co-workers complete disregard for sustainable living in the lunch room. as I listened, I could sense her negativity, her anger and I thought, "What is it she really wants; to be right or to be happy?"

In a discussion over a rite of passage for our son, Nick and I were not on the same page. I struggled with how to handle it. I wanted to be understood. Then it occurred to me, Nick just wants to be understood too. I narrated my impression of the experience of this rite of passage, and acknowledged, I don't know if it is right.
I simply tried to see it from his side, and that made all the difference. It opened his heart and we came to a peaceful and supportive agreement. We are both right.

We all just want to be right. But if I cannot leave room for others to also be right, they cannot see my view. And they are less likely to try. Now to keep practicing.

I M agination

When I was little, I recall many nights of trepidation-how could I across the vast expanse of 3 feet between my own bed and that of my older sisters bed? I was looking for comfort from my own thoughts. That vast expanse was a great ocean of danger with things that might grab my ankles. Many times I just jumped from one bed onto the other.

As a little girl, I believed anything was possible and I was just the one to be a part of it. As I stumbled through adolescence and my early 20's something changed and I no longer believed in all of me. I always believed in my physical potential. I could pull a bobsleigh loaded with logs across William's Lake for my Dad when I was 14 or 15 yrs old. I could pass my level 4 CRCA Instructor certification and I did. I did not however believe I was lovable enough. Surely I must need to be different, prettier, have bigger boobs. I rejected parts of me more than anyone else ever did.

Today I still believe in my physical potential. Anything is possible if I practice enough, fail and learn enough. That is not where I need to work. I need to believe that all that I am and all I can become is worthy of the greatest love and devotion, loyalty and worship. Oh... I don't mean in a narcissistic way. I mean in the way that I approach all things I do, all relationships with a sense of my own worth, fearless to offer my best and fearless of failure. Fearless of the monsters who may grab my ankles.

Something's cooking

I have tried to write a descent blog for days and I am not getting anywhere. I keep moving into my teacher voice, "Let me tell you what the world is really all about." I hate that voice. There is no softness to it. How can I know everything and leave room for you to be who you are at the same time? I can't.

That is my edge. When I am so busy being wonder woman, there is no room for any other super heroes in my life. Ironically, the only reason I try so hard is so that I will have the acceptance and love, the affirmation that I am good enough.

I know that people like it when you ask them for help, because then they feel important. We all want that affirmation that our life is important, meaningful. Maybe today I will focus not on being important, rather on just being open to people and letting them be meaningful.

Just the being.

Thank you for making me stronger, wiser.

The late afternoon rays of sun emanate light in an endless blue sky. I stared into the sky with wonder at the vast expanse and changing light of the red rocks surrounding me.
'How do I make every moment like this one, so peaceful and content; alone and yet not feeling alone?' I wondered.
As if my thoughts were carried on the air, a gentle breeze touched my skin and I knew. It is not about getting somewhere, it is the being where you are that gives this feeling. Being where you are with utter pleasure and happiness to just be there. Not running from this moment into the next. Not looking for something different.
'Why didn't I get this before?' I was too busy running into the future I wanted.

It is 16 years later and this memory echos in my mind. The vibration shaking me awake. Slow down. No, things don't need to be slower. I just need to be present in this moment, not looking for the next joy, outcome, goal...

How do I create the life I desire and not look forward to it at the same time. How do I discipline my thoughts to stay present and keep my heart open to my desires?

When I had projects, I would learn the moves, figuring out what my body had to do to stay in balance and move up the rock. Whatever worked, sometimes even what initially did not seem to make sense, in the end was the key to balance. The day I knew I was ready to complete the project, I would sit at the base and say, 'Today I will try 10 times, then I am going to get you to take weight for me and do another 10 tries. I can always come back next Monday.'

In this process, I very consciously let the weight of completing the project go. I would release my expectations for success. I became focused on the moves, positive as the process unfolded. I tried hard. I had faith that one day it would happen.

Today I will let go of the weight of my desires, I will let go of the weight of my past disappointments, knowing that those events are a part of the process that had to happen to place me here. I will know this is where I need to be now. If I fail today, I can always try again tomorrow. I will faithfully believe in myself even if who I become is not what I expect.

Perfection in a Pose

Standing in the shower with hot water running over me, I was thinking of the day ahead. The Yoga class to teach, the mentoring before me. I was thinking of my own intensity I bring to things... wanting challenging people toward growth, change. It is not always welcome. It is when I bring forth the softer side of ease and nurture that I find my will is more successful.

Then I knew my message. The perfection of a pose is not how deeply one can achieve the pose. Perfection in a pose is the place where I apply effort to opening and deepening and yet I can stay, I can feel a sense of ease or repose. Perhaps, better put, I can challenge myself, applying effort and yet there is a quality, a Bhavana of love for myself, care and respect for my physical state. There is a nurturing quality to my own effort. I move in with my breath guiding me. The discomfort is stroked and softened with my awareness.

Off the mat -- my relationships should be tended to in kind. Applying my attention to my efforts and holding all of it in the warm blanket of love, softly and with absolute reverence.

What is fair?

Life seems to throw us for a spin every once in a while. We get dumped, we fail an exam we studied really hard for, the fridge dies or worse. Some people lose loved ones or their own health. It just doesn't seem fair.

So why does it happen?
After the trials I have faced, I go back to the only thing I can put faith in. My mother taught me from the time I was little that God only gives you what you can handle. As Mother Teresa said, I wish God did not think I could handle so much.

The next thing, because that sense of helpless resignation does not suit my fiery intense personality, is to ask what am I supposed to learn from this?

With recent life events I am learning, keep faith in what you offer, not how it is received. Persist until you succeed, bearing in mind success might not look like what you expected. Finally all that really matters is to fill my heart with love. Love for all that is for there is no greater teacher than to be able to stay open to life experience.

I hear the sound of the clock, I see the beautiful sun, I feel my son's attention to his game, I sense my dogs joy at galavanting around. I feel my own body's health and vitality with a tremor of angst about the changes around the house. Just holding it all in awareness, emotion, story and me.