A Work in Progress

Teens
When I was a young teenager, on the cusp of becoming a woman, I was looking for love. I was craving acceptance and I feared rejection. My vision of the world was driven by my external view. It did not matter what my heart said and I am not certain I was able to really listen to it with all the confusion in my head. I was going down the wrong path. I talked to the wrong people, I allowed boys what they wanted in hopes of getting some validation. I was around illicit activity so I wouldn't be rejected. The world felt more desperate than loving.

Twenties
We are fortunate that society sets us up to leave high school and change our lives in the twenties because that shift forces a shift in who we see, and what we are able to choose. Going to university was not just a great educational choice, it was a fantastic mental health choice. It took me away from the negative influences and introduced me to more positive influences. I still partied, I was still looking for love from outside of me and I was desperately seeking validation... Still, but at least I was looking for it in a group that was less likely to take advantage of me.

Thirties
By the time the next decade passes, there are many accomplishes and more responsibilities thrust into ones life. You have to eventually pay those university fees, the degree(s) are complete and you really do need to get moving in the real adult world out there whether you have found a partner or not. This is a time when all of that begins to take shape.
Lots of young twenty-something's are heading west to tree plant and then off to climbing adventures in the big badass way that they can. It is what I did at that time too. They will see that chasing those grades doesn't necessarily get boring, but eventually you long for something tangible to ground you. You want a home, a partner, maybe a baby. Mostly you want to be able to not live in the dirt.

Forties
By the time you get here, which is where I still am, you realize shit happens and it is not what you want. Life can suck and in a very big way. Maybe you get to stave it off for a few more years or maybe it happens a little before this point, but at some point you begin to look back and see that all that striving and doing hasn't made you feel one little bit safer.
The question is, 'what's next?'
The transforming experience for me was a divorce. It shattered everything I wanted to believe and the burning insecurity of my youth erupted all over me. It was an undeniable statement of "you, Heather, are not enough." At least that was my early interpretation. That was the thought lurking behind wanting to drink it all away and that kept me from keeping meat on my bones.
In this turmoil, a life ring was thrown and I was able to see it and grasp it. I believe we all have a safety switch, a reflex in our hearts and minds that wants to see us through the challenges we are here to meet and move through. It's like finding little Easter eggs on Easter morning, but if you stay curious about what this shit is happening to you, you eventually begin to see there is a possibility in all the painful emotion you are experiencing. It is that moment that the transformation begins and so does your growth.
As I look around me these days, I see so much more of myself, an inner light that I did not really acknowledge before. I am no longer denying myself food in some bizarre attempt to end my feelings of insecurity. I no longer feel the need to drink to soothe my feeling of not being able to do it all, do it perfectly and not break a sweat. And I no longer feel the need to run a marathon, climb V10, and do the most challenging Yoga postures to prove my strength and physical beauty.
Okay so some habits die hard and I occasionally have flashbacks of these things.
But more often I recognize that these feelings low self worth are being crowded out by a realization that everyone has them to some degree. I am more than this small insignificant human doing, I am a part of a much larger organism of life. My interactions with young teenagers, ten year olds and twenty something's impacts their lives in ways I can not even imagine and maybe not even today, maybe the impact comes down the road. Maybe it will be my high bar of expectation that will encourage a life altering choice. Maybe it will be the soft arms of loyalty and acceptance they feel that will remind them how to feel compassion.
Who knows?
I can't determine any of that, except by truly being who I am in as many moments as possible. Rather than trying to be who they want me to be, perhaps the pure raw honesty of being truthful about my own fear, my own sorrow and my joy, will touch someone's heart and that will make all the difference. For both of us.