Unsteady

The coffee is finished.
I surf the internet, dissatisfied. There is no purpose other than distraction.
It is always like this when Fynn is away. I have no one to reflect my heart.

A week ago I said to a friend, "I don't know if I have room to take on another heart." What I meant was, I don't know that I can allow another heart to penetrate that deeply and to maybe lose sight of me again. With divorce, I lost a view of me as a capable, beautiful, sexy, tenacious, adventurous, strong, heartfelt, loving woman. While married, I saw my fire and my light accepted and appreciated through his heart. When he left, my confidence in the beauty of that fire left too.

These past 3 years, I have retrieved pieces of the picture back. I am strong and capable, knowledgeable, tenacious - a survivor. I am a nurturing and supportive mother; I see these things through Fynn's heart. My spirit of adventure, my sexiness, my feminine beauty still elude me. I am so much in my head keeping my world, Fynn's world together and in balance. Not trying to find those pieces, after all, those are the ones most shattered.

Last night I met a group of women who have all came together through a University social group I was a part of initiating 25 years ago, Omega Pi. As I listened to their stories, their connections, I realized they spoke of the group as the force behind them; they thanked me. What I felt was their own force behind the group. Without their own effort and openness, they would not have gotten from things they did together the experience. It was their own fire exposed for others to see that gave the group a collective force.

So where does that lead me? To fully experience my own beauty, my own light, sexiness and adventure means effort and openness of my heart. It may mean going out of balance. Maybe not keeping it all together all the time. Ohh... that's scary.