Camouflaging Pain With Productivity

This morning I awoke and remembered today is the day. Today I start a cleanse. 

Dread washed over me.

A number of years ago I attempted to do a cleanse. I lasted one full day and the next morning I awoke feeling like a truck had hit me. Oh God, this is going to suck!

Never-the-less, that was then this was now. I progressed through the morning routine. I swallowed my tablespoon of ghee, I had my lemon and water, I did my practice. I made my oatmeal, sitting and watching the fire on this chilly April morning and prepped the dal for kitchari. Checked that I had the necessary ingredients, making a list of what is missing. 

Yes, this cleanse involves food, however it involves a mono-diet. Meaning I will eat the same food for seven days. I will eat three times a day and I will not be overzealous in activity. Good thing I completed the painting and building last weekend. 

And this is why I am doing a cleanse. You may want explore whether you too have these tendencies.

1) I have a tendency to binge on productivity. Last weekend I binged on home projects. It started innocently enough with the idea of painting the green walls in my sons room and ended up with painting three of the walls in his room, building a loft that is 5 feet wide, by twelve feet long. Yes, by myself. And of course, the job isn't complete until the bed was moved up there along with the TV and game consoles. It did take four tries to get the mattress up there... but this fiery girl doesn't give up.... and that is why I need to cleanse. 

2) Fire is out of control, meaning, I easily move to road rage or anger towards my dogs for, well for being dogs and getting muddy or demanding about food. I feel the heat of anger when things are not going my way. In Ayurveda, this heat in the body is called Pitta. I naturally have more fire, or Pitta and now I have been adding heating foods to my diet and my lifestyle - like not stopping myself when I want to get a project finished.

3) I am always in a hurry. I race from one thing to the next with proud determination to do it all. And to do it perfectly, or at least better than others might.

4) I have been getting sores in my mouth for well over a year. They dissipate after a few days, but the sores or ulcers or hot flashes are actually a sign of too much heat in the body.

5) The big one for me was being told I have a hyperactive thyroid. Definitely a sign of too much heat in the body.

Two weeks ago I was chatting with a friend who knows a thing or two about eating disorders and she informed me that it is now believed this is linked to a gene. Predisposition to have an eating disorder and it never goes away. A light bulb moment. Now, in University, I was treated for having an eating disorder. I eventually saw the error of my ways and completed my therapy a healthy weight. I avoided diets and actually avoided thinking about food at all if I could help it. 

My lightbulb moment in our conversation was the realization that I just substituted food with other things. I thought of all my years of climbing full time and how the "food" at that time was my exercise, recording diligently all the attempts on all the routes, running on rest days. I scanned the pages of my old journals and there were recordings weekly of my skinfolds and percentage body fat.  

Eventually, running from the feelings and not choosing food, drugs, alcohol or climbing, I started training to be a Yoga teacher... yup, Yoga became my food. 

Yoga eventually led me to all those people who are vegan, vegetarian, gluten free, dairy free, must be organic and people who understood Ayurveda and how to eat properly. Oh, God how I hated these people and their perfect diets. You see, for me, not paying attention to food AT ALL became my mode of operating. Yes, I ate, but I did not put effort or love into it. I only did that when cooking for company and I did not often have company. I had a child who loves Greek salad and some meat with it. Perfect for me. 

Yesterday, after months of being too uncomfortable with having a hyperactive thyroid, I sat in a room chatting with a lovely Ayurvedic doctor who confirmed that yes, I am pretty much all fire, and yes, my fire is running too hot. As she delved into all the changes in my life over the past two years, she finally concluded with, "Your heart has been broken, you have to love yourself. You have to feed yourself. You have to see food as the nurturance and love you give yourself. " 

As a fiery person with a proclivity to productivity and avoiding difficult emotions, I answer this with being overly productive, successful. I have been trying for the past 2 years to get stuff done. Her words yesterday were, "just surrender." 

Not the mantra of any Pitta I know. This week of cleansing and surrendering is really going to suck. 

Selfless service = Happiness

Finding Joy

In this amazing place, I found joy that is innate in my heart.
I found my soul.
I found love.
If you have the opportunity to find a place like this go there and be at peace.

More than Breathing

Yesterday I shared someone's article that indicated addiction is the result of a lack of connection. This article struck me profoundly. Last fall, my son left home to embark on a new adventure at boarding school. I was suddenly living alone. I had not lived alone since 198? A long time.

It was a long hard winter; in fact the worst in over 50 years.
I had reprieves... the Wednesday evenings I spent hours with the beautiful souls in teacher training and the long weekends we practiced and learned together. The colder the days, the more snow, the more I felt buried in self-pity. My eating habits digressed, I drank more wine and watched TV than I usually do and I stopped walking my dogs further than a fifteen minute jaunt. I became depressed and less and less connected to others and myself.
It was a negative cycle that was swirling toward addiction.
I am fortunate. I have a spiritual practice. Although my practice suffered, it never stopped. And I knew I needed to do something.
I reached out. I made a plan to see my teacher. I sat in the light of all those fabulous souls that believe in something beyond what we see and feel. I connected to great hearts and I my heart began to come alive again. I became re-inspired. I stopped TV. I stopped the eating. I started walking the dogs. I went climbing.
Although the fears and doubts remain, I feel more joy and possibility because of the love of those around me.
As you go out today, remember to love those around you. Remember they may be struggling with a darkness you cannot see. And if you are struggling, look for the bright souls that invite you to connect.

Absolutes, Limits and Expectations

When we KNOW a thing - I know I don't like swimming - for example, we create two things; limits in our experience of life and expectations. We will avoid opportunities to swim and perhaps even people who like swimming because we expect we will dislike the experience. We are no longer like a child who is curious and open to the idea of swimming.

Humans like knowing. It creates a sense of safety and identity. I am a climber because I like to climb. Some people like to go climbing once a year and do things they know how to do and some may live in a van and give up everything else to just climb every day. Are they both climbers? If not, what are the defining characteristics of a climber?

This is why things like Myers-Briggs and Predictive Indexes, Dosha Quizzes capture our attention - we want to know who we are. I know I am a INFP and predominantly Pitta, with a little Vata. These quizzes have validated what I believe about myself and they also give me guidance on how to live, engage with the world. Since I now have a reference, I can now create expectations about my experience. I expect myself to be intuitive and have a strong reaction to skipping meals.

What I love about Yoga is the continual quest to stay curious. Remember that with every quiz - these were created and delivered to groups of people and not everyone had exactly the same answers. Nor do we. We can try to define ourselves, but ultimately our life experiences, our past life experiences and life circumstances in the moment we do the quiz will be influencing the outcome.

Stay curious... and you may discover you are far more diverse than you first believed.

Post Road Trip Depression

It's a thing... really it is.
The many years I lived on the road, we would travel to a climbing destination and spend weeks working on new found projects. Each day we got up, chose the routes to climb, the rest days, the place to sleep and what to eat. Gradually the money got low, the projects were sent and sometimes, the weather would begin to change. That meant we needed to move on. Time to go make some more money for the next trip. So we would head back to the place we called work, book some clients, and well... work.

Brian Capps, RMP, photo: Nick Sagar

The initial return is fun. Time to reconnect with friends that don't leave and sharing the adventure. After a few days though, it would get depressing. There is a sense of loss of the freedom of spontaneity. Freedom from the obligations and responsibilities of work. Freedom from choosing to be there.

Yes... that is what is missing... the freedom of the choice to be doing exactly what you are doing.

I now feel this same sense of loss and depression when I return from studying with my teacher or time at the Himalayan Institute. Initially it is fun to reconnect, to share what I learned. Then it starts to just be a longing to be in the study again, away from the responsibilities of day to day.

I wonder, if it is only about choice, what would happen if you chose what was happening where you are?
Would each moment be as awesome as a retreat, a road trip?

What does it mean to be a woman?

The Facebook feed and the news proudly shows this pic of Bruce Jenner, now Caitlyn. Wow! What a transformation! I am curious how someone who feels they are meant to be a woman, but was born in a male body, can only feel authentic with so many inauthentic props?
What happens when the props come off?
Why a beautiful, sexy woman and not a plain Jane?
Why a bigger chested woman than a small breasted woman?
I say this with real curiosity.
Is this image of Caitlyn what we as a culture really think being a woman means?

I know some amazing and beautiful female athletes who are strong, willing to try hard, tenacious and spirited. And their beauty is in the face devoid of make-up, hair pulled into a ponytail, and chalk on their hands. And breasts just get in the way. They are awesome girlfriends, wives and mommies. Are these women not really women?
A woman doesn't need props to feel like a woman. A real woman can rest in her authentic, natural beauty.