Sometimes meditating just sucks. Today was one of those days. So I am doing what a good ParaYogi would do and conducted a little vichara. Pretty simple; just trying to figure out what the root cause of the thoughts that keep interrupting the meditation. And it is not surprising to discover they link back to fear that I am not loved. Seems crazy to believe this when my social calendar is full with visits from friends I have known for years and weekend is packed with family. And when I move even slightly my dog Bella comes looking for my attention.
I am loved and I know it. BUT I am not loved on my terms. That is the root cause of the suffering. I want people around me when I want them and how I want them. I want my son home with me now and not away with his Dad for most of the summer. I want Bella to love me and lay down quietly while I read a book, not pressure me to throw her ball around.
So clear. And now the next step. Acceptance. Just working on the idea of not resisting that this is the way Bella loves and the way my son loves and the way all the people in my life express their love... doing what they love, being who they really are. I bet I'm probably pretty hard to love sometimes too. ;)
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Living Science
We are the living embodiment of our beliefs. Every choice we make is made with the backdrop of fear or faith. Not faith in a God or religious dogma, but faith that we will be alright - safe or not.
This morning as I sit and type on this keyboard, I am anxiously awaiting the opportunity to go "do something." Idleness is not good says my mind of many years of conditioning.
"Go and mow the lawn or move gravel or pull up weeds it screams at me. Do something! Taking care of these things will you prove you are worthy of being loved and that you are a good person." When I really listen, that is the belief (fear) operating in the background and really causing the struggle.
Perhaps the thought is right. But perhaps it is not. Without a clear positive intention behind action, I will cultivate feelings of resentment for having to do something I really perhaps don't want to.
I get to choose why I am doing something, anything, whether productive or not. But I only get to choose if I question the thoughts that are pushing me out to mow or weed.
This for me is the science of Yoga; to question the deeper roots of thought and feeling. Not to deny them, rather to understand them and act in support of the desires that support oneself and others. The asana, pranayama, meditation simply enable the mind to notice the thoughts and landscape of feelings; to dive beneath waves of thought that just carry me off in resentment without question.
Hopefully you found this a productive use of my time ;)
This morning as I sit and type on this keyboard, I am anxiously awaiting the opportunity to go "do something." Idleness is not good says my mind of many years of conditioning.
"Go and mow the lawn or move gravel or pull up weeds it screams at me. Do something! Taking care of these things will you prove you are worthy of being loved and that you are a good person." When I really listen, that is the belief (fear) operating in the background and really causing the struggle.
Perhaps the thought is right. But perhaps it is not. Without a clear positive intention behind action, I will cultivate feelings of resentment for having to do something I really perhaps don't want to.
I get to choose why I am doing something, anything, whether productive or not. But I only get to choose if I question the thoughts that are pushing me out to mow or weed.
This for me is the science of Yoga; to question the deeper roots of thought and feeling. Not to deny them, rather to understand them and act in support of the desires that support oneself and others. The asana, pranayama, meditation simply enable the mind to notice the thoughts and landscape of feelings; to dive beneath waves of thought that just carry me off in resentment without question.
Hopefully you found this a productive use of my time ;)
Saturday, May 25, 2013
The view from here
Yesterday I watched amazing potential. And yet I knew those I was watching could not see all the potential I saw. My desire for their success was driving me to challenge them, to push them to greater understanding. I just wanted them to be inspired, to feel their own potential. That is what I always want when I teach.
"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do." John Wooden.
If one is just willing to keep trying when you cannot always see the potential, that is what faith looks like. That was my mom as she moved through the last few months of her life. Just doing what she could do, not giving into what she couldn't.
Perhaps the quote should also include, do not let what you don't have overshadow what you do. This is where happiness rests, waiting for our attention.
"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do." John Wooden.
If one is just willing to keep trying when you cannot always see the potential, that is what faith looks like. That was my mom as she moved through the last few months of her life. Just doing what she could do, not giving into what she couldn't.
Perhaps the quote should also include, do not let what you don't have overshadow what you do. This is where happiness rests, waiting for our attention.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Settling in
It's a cool morning and the dampness seems to match my mood. I should be buoyant my mind tells me, but my heart knows something else. My heart knows that I have not been making great connections with myself and it misses me. The mind keeps pulling me off to distraction with things to worry about, consider and yet never commit to anything different than what is.
The heart longs for settling into a comfortable rest, peace and gratitude for all that I am, all that I do and all that I have. And... most importantly all that I desire. My mind doesn't want to commit to one desire, it wants all the desires that overwhelms it into a whirling dervish.
Thank heavens, the heart will win out with a little practice. <3
The heart longs for settling into a comfortable rest, peace and gratitude for all that I am, all that I do and all that I have. And... most importantly all that I desire. My mind doesn't want to commit to one desire, it wants all the desires that overwhelms it into a whirling dervish.
Thank heavens, the heart will win out with a little practice. <3
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Joy and Freedom
My mom has spent the past while living with cancer. We have all been living with cancer. The days in the hospital sitting by her bed was easy compared to leaving her overnight and anxious for the next morning when I could talk to her again and wondering what was next. As mom continued to decline, my sisters and I spent the weeks planning around the weekends, trying to give Dad a break and each of us a break. My brother took the day to day with both Mom and Dad. We had moments of great depth and love and moments of deep sadness and worry.
I always saw my father as no nonsense, get-the-job-done, tenacious spirit. I now see my father as a man with compassion, tenderness and endless patience. Last week he managed to get my very weak mother from her wheelchair into the truck and took her for a drive to the look-off. They sat together in the truck, just loving the view and their lives together. My siblings have a strength and courage I had not witness so keenly before, managing the reality of home care at the end of life, their own emotions while protecting and supporting their own families.
Life has changed forever. Now that she is gone, my mom is in my heart, but she will no longer be holding me and pointing out my strength and grace when I need it. Mom was the epitome of grace. She did not cry, she did not talk about fear, she just went through it with her beautiful smile and her humour, bringing me down from my 'big picture view' to the mundane. All she really asked for was for us to be with her, to visit her. And though I thought I had accepted this cancer in our lives, I see now, that my fatigue after a visit, my anxiety before were indicators I was really not accepting the way things were. I continually saw the ground we were losing and not really loving what we still had. I kept trying to find faith or freedom by exploring the bigger picture rather than sitting in the daily moments with her. I guess freedom is not in the big picture of life where I usually sit analyzing my experiences, rather it is in the moment, connected with someone we love.
Once again mom... you did it once again.
I always saw my father as no nonsense, get-the-job-done, tenacious spirit. I now see my father as a man with compassion, tenderness and endless patience. Last week he managed to get my very weak mother from her wheelchair into the truck and took her for a drive to the look-off. They sat together in the truck, just loving the view and their lives together. My siblings have a strength and courage I had not witness so keenly before, managing the reality of home care at the end of life, their own emotions while protecting and supporting their own families.
Life has changed forever. Now that she is gone, my mom is in my heart, but she will no longer be holding me and pointing out my strength and grace when I need it. Mom was the epitome of grace. She did not cry, she did not talk about fear, she just went through it with her beautiful smile and her humour, bringing me down from my 'big picture view' to the mundane. All she really asked for was for us to be with her, to visit her. And though I thought I had accepted this cancer in our lives, I see now, that my fatigue after a visit, my anxiety before were indicators I was really not accepting the way things were. I continually saw the ground we were losing and not really loving what we still had. I kept trying to find faith or freedom by exploring the bigger picture rather than sitting in the daily moments with her. I guess freedom is not in the big picture of life where I usually sit analyzing my experiences, rather it is in the moment, connected with someone we love.
Once again mom... you did it once again.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Bring on the curiosity
I found myself standing in a restaurant waiting for my soup to go. I had toyed with the idea of sitting in and eating, but the introverted me wanted to go home and relax and stop having to do stuff. And I still had stuff to do when I got home; walk the dog, clean up after the dog, get the fire going, clean the bathroom - all this is tough to get done on a teacher training weekend. Hence - I gave up on cooking. Or rather, I knew myself well enough to know I would not go home and prepare something healthy and nourishing.
As I wait a couple arrive and begin to ask the hostess questions. The busy hostess offers them menus to peruse and turns her attention to other customers. The gentleman seems curious about everything. He asks if I eat here often and what I recommend. I offer him a suggestion to take a look at the pizza just being brought out of the pizza oven. We continue our conversation and I eventually ask them about themselves. They seem a little reserved at first, but gradually tell me about this trip to Halifax and previous visits.
Soon my soup arrives and I make my departure, saying good night to the couple. As I made my way to the car I realize how unlike me that was. I normally don't just chat with strangers. I normally keep to myself, I observe, analyze. Create stories about what I am seeing. I realize there is a smile playing on my lips and I feel light. Funny... I think, I didn't do the asana practice today, I taught the class. But I am pretty clear that this is my best self shining in this moment. Tejas. This is why people go to Yoga. This is my goal for the people who come to my class; that at the end of all those postures, they shine, feel lighter.
For me, being able to offer what I know and to help others settle into themselves is an incredible experience. The challenge is how to get them on my side, excited to challenge themselves. We are afraid that if let go of all the mental effort, if we admit we don't know, we will somehow lose something, perhaps respect of others, perhaps it is the idea of ourselves as good enough. It is hard to have faith that if we surrender we will be safe. This probably explains why I love teaching material that I am just getting to understanding, because just maybe I won't know the answer, but that just somehow ignites my spirit to understand more. I know I can't know happiness when I sit in comfort. If I am not a little uncomfortable, struggling to understand the next thing or teach it better, I really don't shine. It's like rock climbing, the next hard route put me in a place of having to open myself to bringing everything I knew and considering what I didn't - and even then I would fail the first 50 times. What kept me inspired - the curiosity of whether I could do it. Perhaps that's what keeps me sitting trying to meditate - curiosity of what will happen if I stay. :)
As I wait a couple arrive and begin to ask the hostess questions. The busy hostess offers them menus to peruse and turns her attention to other customers. The gentleman seems curious about everything. He asks if I eat here often and what I recommend. I offer him a suggestion to take a look at the pizza just being brought out of the pizza oven. We continue our conversation and I eventually ask them about themselves. They seem a little reserved at first, but gradually tell me about this trip to Halifax and previous visits.
Soon my soup arrives and I make my departure, saying good night to the couple. As I made my way to the car I realize how unlike me that was. I normally don't just chat with strangers. I normally keep to myself, I observe, analyze. Create stories about what I am seeing. I realize there is a smile playing on my lips and I feel light. Funny... I think, I didn't do the asana practice today, I taught the class. But I am pretty clear that this is my best self shining in this moment. Tejas. This is why people go to Yoga. This is my goal for the people who come to my class; that at the end of all those postures, they shine, feel lighter.
For me, being able to offer what I know and to help others settle into themselves is an incredible experience. The challenge is how to get them on my side, excited to challenge themselves. We are afraid that if let go of all the mental effort, if we admit we don't know, we will somehow lose something, perhaps respect of others, perhaps it is the idea of ourselves as good enough. It is hard to have faith that if we surrender we will be safe. This probably explains why I love teaching material that I am just getting to understanding, because just maybe I won't know the answer, but that just somehow ignites my spirit to understand more. I know I can't know happiness when I sit in comfort. If I am not a little uncomfortable, struggling to understand the next thing or teach it better, I really don't shine. It's like rock climbing, the next hard route put me in a place of having to open myself to bringing everything I knew and considering what I didn't - and even then I would fail the first 50 times. What kept me inspired - the curiosity of whether I could do it. Perhaps that's what keeps me sitting trying to meditate - curiosity of what will happen if I stay. :)
Friday, February 8, 2013
Arjuna's path
This morning in meditation, a thought past my mind, a memory really. Yesterday as I chatted with a fellow Yogi about purpose, I said, "Arjuna's dharma wasn't fighting the war, it was to seek justice." Now to give you a little background, I was referring to the Bhagavad Gita, a story about Arjuna's discovery of God within himself and realizing the true reality of human existence. We meet Arjuna on the battle field where he is in despair and collapsed, wanting to renounce his role in this war because it will mean killing his own kinsmen. Krishna, who we come to discover is really God, but acting as his chariot driver, is attempting to get Arjuna to understand the bigger reality.
Yesterday, even as I said the words, I was realizing that perhaps I had been looking at what I understood to be my dharma (purpose) without this same perspective. I have gone through the four desires workshop a few times and have worked and reworked my purpose, gaining knowledge also about what stands in the way and what I really desire that will support my purpose. My latest version is I surrender to Divine Grace, radiating my light and sharing my creativity.
I am not a big fan of the surrendering part. But as I was reflecting on my own words and the meaning of that to me, I realize what I am really trying to express is I act with faith. As I think back through the years, I can see that I the times of real success and joy in my life, have been the times I have been willing to just let go and let god as they say. The times I have launched a makeshift raft into a lake and go on an adventure, not really knowing if it will sink or not. When I sold pretty much everything I owned and got in a Mazda GLC and went on a climbing trip. When I gave up having to send and just climbed my best, hoping for the best.
This is what my purpose is... to act with faith and confidence. To shine means I need to act. Not just surrender. It means to share my thoughts, wisdom and knowledge with faith and confidence, from a place of inner joy. So grateful for that conversation yesterday!
Yesterday, even as I said the words, I was realizing that perhaps I had been looking at what I understood to be my dharma (purpose) without this same perspective. I have gone through the four desires workshop a few times and have worked and reworked my purpose, gaining knowledge also about what stands in the way and what I really desire that will support my purpose. My latest version is I surrender to Divine Grace, radiating my light and sharing my creativity.
I am not a big fan of the surrendering part. But as I was reflecting on my own words and the meaning of that to me, I realize what I am really trying to express is I act with faith. As I think back through the years, I can see that I the times of real success and joy in my life, have been the times I have been willing to just let go and let god as they say. The times I have launched a makeshift raft into a lake and go on an adventure, not really knowing if it will sink or not. When I sold pretty much everything I owned and got in a Mazda GLC and went on a climbing trip. When I gave up having to send and just climbed my best, hoping for the best.
This is what my purpose is... to act with faith and confidence. To shine means I need to act. Not just surrender. It means to share my thoughts, wisdom and knowledge with faith and confidence, from a place of inner joy. So grateful for that conversation yesterday!
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