Lies & Love

This morning an hour slipped away from me as I pondered the lies and acts of deceit that have been perpetrated behind my back. Oh sure, I rationalized that it is not about me. Choices others make are choices they make about who they want to be.
But is that entirely true? I could not conceive of lying or taking advantage of my teacher.
Ohhh wait... that's not entirely true. I now recall sharing his audio files with someone. Not copying them, but lending them. Is that stealing?
What was my intention? To share this amazing experience I had, all I had learned. And maybe to buy a little credibility with the person.
So what was the intention of those who lied? To maintain their own credibility in my eyes. Yes. And to save themselves from seeming to have made a mistake.
Yup, I've been there.
So... now there is room for compassion. Sometimes, thinking is a helpful tool to get back in the heart. :)

Awkward

My mind was replaying the story of last night and generally beating me up for being socially inept. As I replayed the conversations and thought, "that probably sounded stupid," and "I really shouldn't have shared that." I realized again how I was rejecting who I am.

What if it wasn't a stupid comment? Could that also be true? Perhaps it was my best effort to express how I felt. My intention was to make a connection on a heart level. Perhaps my awkwardness, confusion, was a reflection of how uncomfortable people are really talking about how they feel. It is often challenging to really express ourselves because we try so hard to sound professional and intelligent.

I guess the trick is to sooth my awkwardness by finding contentment in just wanting to share myself with others. Leave the rest of it up to them since it's out of my hands what they do with it.

A world of Love or Hate

I choose today to be a day to remind me of love; the love that we all shared, opening our hearts in compassion to those who lost their lives and those left behind.

I recall looking at the beauty of my 8 week old child and wondering what kind of world I had brought this life into. I recall the horror of thinking of being a mother to a person who could kill so many innocent people. I recall the helplessness of not being able to make any kind of difference for anyone.

But that is not true. Every day, I can choose to accept others as they are and love them anyway. I can choose to feel compassion. I can choose to stay open. I can choose to work on me and my ability to love, not hate. And that will make all the difference.

Unravelling

I had a dream I needed to hold onto a bar, 20-30 feet above the ground. My body was swinging wildly as this spun in a circle. I needed to let go with one hand and grab a ladder which would allow me to climb to the ground to safety. I would let go and reach and not get the ladder and swing out again. I was afraid. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was too short to do it. And everyone else could. I awoke feeling depressed. I started journaling about this dream. Then it slowly dawned on me. But I was willing to try. I was afraid, but I was trying even when it seemed impossible. Why did I put the emphasis on the failing and not on the effort?

My Dad last night spoke of me as the "child who drove him crazy." I have spent a life time interpreting that as the child that wasn't good enough. Why didn't I see it as I was the one who taught him the most?

The quality of my Life is formed by the choices I make in how I see things. The joy in my life is either squashed by a choice of negativity or blossoms with a choice toward beauty. Today I will choose to dream, because "Living starts with dreaming." And I will choose the perspective that gives me even grander dreams.

Changing my relationship to my life.

A week in reflection and self care. A week in excavating desires. A week of insight, love and support, A HA moments and tears. At the end of it all, I am still me... the same woman who walked in, has walked out.

As I move back into the routine of being home, I feel the resistance of the mind so much more profoundly. I sit in meditation, now justifying the need to get on with the day. I sit with food with the observation of rationales that are luring me to get up and do something else. I sit with my own busy mind willing the heart to open to the moment, only to have that willfulness impede the experience.

Change takes more than remembering all that has been revealed. Change requires surrender to skillful action; meditation, Yoga Nidra, Sankalpa, just eating and embrace all of me, no matter how challenging it seems in the moment. Change requires faith. 'Change requires understanding that the chronic pain of not changing is greater than the momentary pain of change.' ~ Yogarupa.

Whole hearted

As I sat in room of eager PTA tip ers, listening to the wisdom of my teacher, he said "change your relationship to your life."

I feel his words were intended for me with intense power behind them.

That was two days ago. My interpretation; start really doing the things that matter to you. Step into your own power, take responsibility for your future. It's not quitting my job, it's not changing the house I live in; it's wanting to fully be the expression of who I am. Honor me; the body for the temple it is, the mind for it's amazing melodramas and ability to problem solve, plan and imagine, my heart for it's incredible love, and my spirit for it's ability to what it loves to do, move mountains with love.

On the right track

July 2008 I discovered Rod Stryker. Nick asked me to bring Fynn to Colorado, Rod happen to be teaching Yoga for Fulfillment at that time, I went. That was the year I was getting the separation stuff sorted, and I ended up rooming with two women I did not know, one who had manifested all her dreams and one who seemed to be in an endless and bitter struggle with an ex-husband. One of these women was doing something right and I wanted to be like that.

Fulfillment is about learning who you are and making a plan of action for getting where you want to be. As I went through the exercises and small group discussions. Some people had very concrete things they wanted; a new house or money. When I imagine my perfect future, it is a feeling rather than a thing. In 2008, I wanted to feel prosperous, abundant and grateful. I very clearly recall the day, months later when I realized that I actually felt abundant and grateful - without trying. It was just a part of me to see the opportunity and positives around me. I was amazed at the power this work had for me.

Rod's book walking the reader through the process was published last month and I greedily devoured it and the exercises again. There are new things, greater depth to things already uncovered. And again, rather than naming a thing... it is a feeling of a future I want. Or maybe I am afraid to name the things in the images I create when I see my future. Next week, I will be with Rod again, doing the process with a group of fellow students. Being a student myself again. I am really looking forward to a future full of light, love and joy.