Achievement or fulfillment

These days things do not seem to be going exactly as I would like them to. The result is I feel quite out of control of circumstances. Then along came insight and I realized I really was free to have things a different way, AND that would mean I needed to be honest, brave and actually say what I wanted. I needed to take responsibility for what I want.

A little goal setting later and I a few uncomfortable actions and the wheels began to turn. In some aspects, I can see things happening. In others, I am at least more clear - clear I will not be getting what I thought I wanted. In steps disappointment. There is an inclination to halt forward movement with the response, "see I tried, and all I got was disappointment." Then the little voice in my heart asked, "Really? Or are you just ego bruised because you are like the child who didn't win?"
Yep, ego bruised. It wasn't about really wanting to give. It was about wanting to get.
Ahhhh... Achievement comes when we get what we want. Fulfillment comes when we offer our heart, regardless of how it is received.

Divine embrace

"In life’s sea of hassles and troubles we search for Grace. Most look where they can find it: pleasure, even if it’s the kind that has no staying power. Seekers comb for it, knowing that its rays beam brightly during certain phases of the swinging pendulum of mind. The sage sees Grace’s ceaseless blessing everywhere. What hardship? Life’s a Divine embrace, like so many sweet kisses from Eternity that never stop." ~ Rod Stryker

I am definitely one of the seekers, not yet a sage, but less frequently seeking pleasure to mask pain. It has become apparent to me that I am at war with myself. I am warring about what I see as the confines of my life. I am at war with the box I have placed myself in. The heart wants out of the box and yet the head is saying, "you can't... how will you afford your home, food?" The how's showing up, shows me that I do not yet have absolute faith in the Divine. I do not have absolute faith in my own ability to make my way in this world.

The solution... move in the direction that the heart directs, one baby step at a time. Cultivate faith by learning from each moment - open to what each moment teaches me.

Joy

Yesterday as I stepped onto my mat, I allowed the thoughts to flow through my head...
"Everyone lives each day for him or herself, no matter what they did.
No one owes anything to anyone, no matter what happened.
And from this, what I hope you most get, is that whatever you do next, you do it for the joy it brings you."

No one owes anything to anyone. I could see how I think somehow people do owe me and that I always feel like I owe them. A friend asked for something from me and I felt I owed him. I felt uncomfortable because I felt I couldn't disappoint him. I argued with my self and him in my mind, justifying my defense with, "what's in it for me? You are not interested in helping me."

Stepping back from the mental game of thoughts, I moved into my practice. I moved into trikonasana (triangle pose) experiencing the pull at the inside of my groin, through my side body and my twisting ribs, my shoulder ached with staying. I could stay with the experience of discomfort, but I choose to move my awareness to the lengthening, to calming the breath and the lengthening of my front and back body. As my body opened, quieted, I became aware of my strength and flexibility, my personal power and joy bubbled up. No one owes me anything and I owe no one.

I was free to choose my response to my friend. I was no longer negotiating a deal for myself. I was free from my story that I could somehow lose or win.

Apples and Onions

Another year passes into the past and all of the potential of a new calendar sits in wait. As this time rolls forward, and on the heels of an evening with friends of my youth, I have taken a moment to reflect back. My apple for this year of 2010 has probably been the moment in a hostel at one o'clock in the morning, awake from the sounds of fellow hostelers having a grand time, when the words of a master came to me, "Have integrity, sit up and present all of yourself to this practice, you are here for you."

In that moment, a shift occurred. I was the person selling me short. There is no need for the world to change, rather it is up to me to really show up in my life. No one is going to bring life to me. I am the one who must believe in my own value and live my life fully.

Last night I listened to very near and dear friends discuss the economics of practicing medicine in Canada verses the UK; the merits of world travel and meeting the right people and making ten times more money than make. I wanted to tell them they weren't focused on the right things in life. I wanted to point out how no amount of things could replace the experiences we had as friends growing up on a lake, skating all winter and swimming or paddling in the summer. I wanted to shout at them to notice they have money, but at the cost of having to take blood pressure medication, being overweight and living to for the next vacation.

But how do I really know what is true? This may be their truth for them in this lifetime. For me in this lifetime, I need to learn how to believe in my self, my own potential to be all that I desire to be, to "sit up and have integrity;" to really show up for myself.

My onion for this year.... that it took me so long to really believe it.

Courage

This summer while on a Yoga retreat in Colorado, it became very apparent that I still have some growing to do. As this was clearly identified, I felt my whole body resist it. I felt the tears well up into my eyes and the restriction in my abdomen. My shoulders tensed and I wanted to hide. My mind raced with thoughts of... "I am tired of growing. Haven't I done enough these past 3 years!?! I want safe and comfortable. I want to coast." And yet, even with those thoughts swirling around in my head, I knew in my heart that life has never really felt that safe or comfortable.

Rod Stryker once said, "You don't forgive someone, you practice loving them and forgiveness comes." These words rang true for me. As I reflect on my willingness to grow, it became apparent to me I will never be fearless, I can only face the things that scare me and courage will come.

Yesterday I strapped on a snowboard for the second time in over 10 yrs and went down an intermediate run at our local ski hill. I did it for me. I did it to feel that sense of adrenalin that comes with hard physical effort and the unknown outcome. I did it because it made me feel truly alive.

In 2011, I will face my challenges, one breath at a time, moment by moment, with love in my heart.

Sleepless

Alerted awake by the ringing of the phone, I leapt out of bed rushing down the stairs. Too late.
Who would be calling me at 2:30 am?
No one. It must have been a wrong number.
What if it was an emergency call?
No message.
I wander back to bed and try to settle into sleep. The replays of the previous day swirl around me. Sleep alludes me.

3:12 am another call.
Maybe it is my friend Pete from England. Maybe it is about someone being hurt or killed.
God.... The rain lashes the windows, and the wind lifts the shingles, the thoughts roll along pushing forth an emotional snowball, growing and growing.

I get up. It's 4:30 am.
More wood in the stove. A little immune drink. Warm socks. I sit in stillness and allow only the thoughts of my beautiful child, his love and enthusiasm, pushing all other thoughts and their chains of emotion out. There is only room now for love. I offer this love to myself. I wrap myself in the warmth and comfort of this feeling.
I sleep.

Greatness & Joy

I remember being about 9 yrs old and building a raft with construction materials my Dad had discarded. A little foam insulation, a palette, a paddle made from end cuts of two by four. Then I would proudly launch this raft onto the lake behind our house and I was off. The adventure would end with a half sunken raft, floating debris, a broken paddle and a petrified and angry father shouting at me not to be so stupid.

This message to play it safe reiterated with countless raft-like stunts through my youth taught me well. As I grew, I learned not to trust myself. I didn't stop having adventures, I just put the trust in someone else. Then all those eggs broke and I was alone and very afraid. I wished things were different. But all that wishing was just my fear of not being great, or even just good enough.

Realizing this, brings real joy. Not the joy of presents on Christmas morning, rather the joy of looking into the eyes of a newborn and seeing only love. It was not whether the raft floated that made me feel special or happy, it was believing that I could do it. Today I sometimes still lose my paddle, but at least I believe that, for me, nothing is impossible. I believe in my own greatness.