I open my facebook page and discover a comment to my status and it hurts. My reaction is defense – kind of ironic since my status was questioning the need to defend. So I look at it. Initially my mind attacks the dialogue with defense and questions.
Outward attention where I create stories about this person, the exchange, my own defense of the intention.
Then I read an article on ripening courage and this question intrigued me: "At this time in my life, what is my edge? What's the biggest thing I'm confronting? Where do I need to exercise courage?"
I check in. I get quiet and let go of all my stories around this dialogue and I just listen for guidance.
I realize the edge in this moment is this feeling that I am not a good enough teacher. I wrote that status because I want to ‘teach’. It was all about me.
There is a saying that when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Well, I was trying to force the students to attend the class. Ha Ha!
There is love in the desire to serve, love in the desire to share one's experience and love in the awareness of truth. There is more compassion in the middle way.
Love does not always come in beautiful smiles and kindness.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
To thine own heart be true.
It's year end review and the successes are being touted through short speeches and thank yous. Down to business. What lies ahead? We are asked to describe our vision for the future.
It is an exercise in wish lists and promises. Some responses are very concrete, describing team awards and human resources. Other responses are very abstract, unfolding as a feeling or atmosphere. Integration is key.
But what is the point? What is the point of all these big dreams and concrete steps? Why are we doing what we are doing; why are these dreams important to us collectively and individually?
As I sit listening and questioning whether anyone feels I am valuable to this organization, I chuckle and then ask, why is it important to me to be valuable to the organization? I want to be important, needed, loved. Am I asking how I can love and support this big organizational machine or am I only focusing on what I want and need?
Can I value my own work for the sake of what I believe in even if no one else sees it? Ahhhh... there is happiness and love.
It is an exercise in wish lists and promises. Some responses are very concrete, describing team awards and human resources. Other responses are very abstract, unfolding as a feeling or atmosphere. Integration is key.
But what is the point? What is the point of all these big dreams and concrete steps? Why are we doing what we are doing; why are these dreams important to us collectively and individually?
As I sit listening and questioning whether anyone feels I am valuable to this organization, I chuckle and then ask, why is it important to me to be valuable to the organization? I want to be important, needed, loved. Am I asking how I can love and support this big organizational machine or am I only focusing on what I want and need?
Can I value my own work for the sake of what I believe in even if no one else sees it? Ahhhh... there is happiness and love.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Seeds of love
"Can we have a playdate?"
"Sure."
The plan is in place - ride the skateboard and the scooter to Point Pleasant. The skateboard was not cooperating, veering dangerously off in one direction seemingly on it's own.
Anger and frustration arise. "Great, I'll just get hit by a truck." A cry for help.
I did not hear it at first, my own anger resisting his.
Then I did hear the cry of distress. "Do you need a parachute." I ask as my body softens. Giggles and smiles - love is sprouting.
Dinner over store bought pizza and friendship.
The nutrition is in the relationship. There is a choice to share experience. "I realized everyone's distress is them same to them whether I think the situation warrants it. The situations are different, but both people wore the same distress in their faces. I realized I should not judge. I wanted to come home. I realized my life is so beautiful."
My response, "Judging is human. Thank you for sharing."
Responding with a desire to soften the distress is love.
So many opportunities to do a little planting everyday in little ways.
"Sure."
The plan is in place - ride the skateboard and the scooter to Point Pleasant. The skateboard was not cooperating, veering dangerously off in one direction seemingly on it's own.
Anger and frustration arise. "Great, I'll just get hit by a truck." A cry for help.
I did not hear it at first, my own anger resisting his.
Then I did hear the cry of distress. "Do you need a parachute." I ask as my body softens. Giggles and smiles - love is sprouting.
Dinner over store bought pizza and friendship.
The nutrition is in the relationship. There is a choice to share experience. "I realized everyone's distress is them same to them whether I think the situation warrants it. The situations are different, but both people wore the same distress in their faces. I realized I should not judge. I wanted to come home. I realized my life is so beautiful."
My response, "Judging is human. Thank you for sharing."
Responding with a desire to soften the distress is love.
So many opportunities to do a little planting everyday in little ways.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Crafting love
Does anyone else have an 8 year old who wants to spend his money on a leaf blower so he can build a hovercraft? I do. Actually, not just one leaf blower, 2 leaf blowers. He washed windows to earn enough money. I was non-committal.
I was negotiating my way around saying no. I realized I was holding something about this. I had always wanted to invent stuff as a kid. I built rafts and took apart dolls and TV's. I always got in trouble for my curiosity and creativity. I did not want to do that to my child. I also did not think it reasonable to spend $ on leaf blowers that would be used for a homemade hovercraft that will probably be forgotten when the next creative inspiration hit.
Finally I just said no to the leaf blowers. He can use the shopvac and still make a hovercraft. I was inspired by wanting him to create AND to learn how to distinguish the hungry ghost desire from the hearts desire.
Sometimes love is about teaching a different lesson.
I was negotiating my way around saying no. I realized I was holding something about this. I had always wanted to invent stuff as a kid. I built rafts and took apart dolls and TV's. I always got in trouble for my curiosity and creativity. I did not want to do that to my child. I also did not think it reasonable to spend $ on leaf blowers that would be used for a homemade hovercraft that will probably be forgotten when the next creative inspiration hit.
Finally I just said no to the leaf blowers. He can use the shopvac and still make a hovercraft. I was inspired by wanting him to create AND to learn how to distinguish the hungry ghost desire from the hearts desire.
Sometimes love is about teaching a different lesson.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
An act of love for myself
The negotiations of summer holiday time is in full swing. Actually it was supposed to be decided. I was looking forward to 2 weeks with a teacher in Colorado, getting to deepen my own Yoga practice.
The new suggestion - me missing my mid summer visit with Fynn and my second week of Yoga.
I mistakenly replied trying to negotiate. I knew as soon as I sent the email stating that I would miss the second week that I was not happy. I was questioning why I always miss what I want, why I don't get to take summer vacation from work.
It hit me --- because I don't let me.
Fortunately my suggestion was not good enough and an opportunity arose to restate my intention for myself. I will go to those Yoga Intensives. I will have some time with my son this summer. I am the only one with the power to really take care of me; to truly love me. So thankful I see this now.
The new suggestion - me missing my mid summer visit with Fynn and my second week of Yoga.
I mistakenly replied trying to negotiate. I knew as soon as I sent the email stating that I would miss the second week that I was not happy. I was questioning why I always miss what I want, why I don't get to take summer vacation from work.
It hit me --- because I don't let me.
Fortunately my suggestion was not good enough and an opportunity arose to restate my intention for myself. I will go to those Yoga Intensives. I will have some time with my son this summer. I am the only one with the power to really take care of me; to truly love me. So thankful I see this now.
Friday, May 21, 2010
1000 acts of love
So I heard about this blog - 1000 Awesome things. I love it. It is all about things that are awesome. It inspired this idea to write about the random acts of love I can identify. Here goes.
I come in the door to a cat meowing, a dog prancing, dry clothes waiting to be folded, dinner to be prepared, consumed and cleaned up within the next 75 min before we head back out to lacrosse.
"Fynn would you mind taking your bike and riding up the road with Tour so he gets a jaunt?"
"How far?"
"As far as you are comfortable. He needs a walk and I have to get dinner ready for you so we can get to lacrosse on time."
"Okay."
"Thank you."
I come in the door to a cat meowing, a dog prancing, dry clothes waiting to be folded, dinner to be prepared, consumed and cleaned up within the next 75 min before we head back out to lacrosse.
"Fynn would you mind taking your bike and riding up the road with Tour so he gets a jaunt?"
"How far?"
"As far as you are comfortable. He needs a walk and I have to get dinner ready for you so we can get to lacrosse on time."
"Okay."
"Thank you."
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