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Today I choose...

With all the negativity and complaining in the news these days, and throughout the year, I am constantly reminded to stop listening to the news.

Yesterday I chose Brene Brown's book, Rising Strong. It is the part of the story where she recounts her realization that she was trying to transfer her feelings of shame to another person. That she was a person who wanted to willfully shame someone else to try to move away from her own discomfort.

That is what I see in the news cycle and through my social media feeds everyday. People trying to shame other people.

Each year I go back to Viktor Frankl's book, Man's Search for Meaning. I reread this book because it reminds me that in a world where so much hurt and suffering occurs, we each have the power to shape our own experience. 

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." ~ Viktor Frankl.

Happiness doesn't happen when all the right circumstances show up in our lives. Happiness happens when we accept the way things are, even as we work to change them and change ourselves in the process.

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." ~ Viktor Frankl

An attitude of acceptance is the only way to heal conflict. Acceptance is the process of making peace with what we dislike, want to forget or the pain we feel. Making peace means we allow whatever is happening or has happened to exist. We do not try to change the past. We do not try to fill the pain with some other thing that we believe will enable us to not feel the pain anymore.

Peace is when we surrender. We allow the pain to be there. Yes, peace and pain can co-exist. Peace is the grace you feel when you watch someone you love suffering with cancer finally succumb to death. 

Peace is the stillness you feel as you accept the rain soaking through your clothes when you are caught in an unexpected shower.

Peace is the sadness, the grief you experience, accompanied by compassion as you watch someone you love in pain.

Peace is the quiet joy that opens your heart as you see into the eyes of a newborn.

Simplicity in Action

We long for the simplicity of our youth.
No bills, endless days of play.
But all of our lives happen in relationship...
relationship to others, to things.
My car, my wife or husband, my child.
Our relationships bring us pleasure and pain.
It is not the other that cause pleasure or pain.
Really it is our desires we long to fulfill with that person or thing that brings about the pain or joy.
We are the creator of our experience.
We each have the potential to choose our desires and let them go.
The seed of desire is even deeper still.
Have you considered the seeds lately? Why do I long for my beloved?
Why am I seeking a better job? A bigger home? Another trip?
Is it then a wise desire? One that leads me to greater expression or one that fulfills a longing for safety, for painless living?
Always choose growth, connection and your truth.

Breathe

Breath.... the link to this moment. And there is only ever this moment.

Camouflaging Pain With Productivity

This morning I awoke and remembered today is the day. Today I start a cleanse. 

Dread washed over me.

A number of years ago I attempted to do a cleanse. I lasted one full day and the next morning I awoke feeling like a truck had hit me. Oh God, this is going to suck!

Never-the-less, that was then this was now. I progressed through the morning routine. I swallowed my tablespoon of ghee, I had my lemon and water, I did my practice. I made my oatmeal, sitting and watching the fire on this chilly April morning and prepped the dal for kitchari. Checked that I had the necessary ingredients, making a list of what is missing. 

Yes, this cleanse involves food, however it involves a mono-diet. Meaning I will eat the same food for seven days. I will eat three times a day and I will not be overzealous in activity. Good thing I completed the painting and building last weekend. 

And this is why I am doing a cleanse. You may want explore whether you too have these tendencies.

1) I have a tendency to binge on productivity. Last weekend I binged on home projects. It started innocently enough with the idea of painting the green walls in my sons room and ended up with painting three of the walls in his room, building a loft that is 5 feet wide, by twelve feet long. Yes, by myself. And of course, the job isn't complete until the bed was moved up there along with the TV and game consoles. It did take four tries to get the mattress up there... but this fiery girl doesn't give up.... and that is why I need to cleanse. 

2) Fire is out of control, meaning, I easily move to road rage or anger towards my dogs for, well for being dogs and getting muddy or demanding about food. I feel the heat of anger when things are not going my way. In Ayurveda, this heat in the body is called Pitta. I naturally have more fire, or Pitta and now I have been adding heating foods to my diet and my lifestyle - like not stopping myself when I want to get a project finished.

3) I am always in a hurry. I race from one thing to the next with proud determination to do it all. And to do it perfectly, or at least better than others might.

4) I have been getting sores in my mouth for well over a year. They dissipate after a few days, but the sores or ulcers or hot flashes are actually a sign of too much heat in the body.

5) The big one for me was being told I have a hyperactive thyroid. Definitely a sign of too much heat in the body.

Two weeks ago I was chatting with a friend who knows a thing or two about eating disorders and she informed me that it is now believed this is linked to a gene. Predisposition to have an eating disorder and it never goes away. A light bulb moment. Now, in University, I was treated for having an eating disorder. I eventually saw the error of my ways and completed my therapy a healthy weight. I avoided diets and actually avoided thinking about food at all if I could help it. 

My lightbulb moment in our conversation was the realization that I just substituted food with other things. I thought of all my years of climbing full time and how the "food" at that time was my exercise, recording diligently all the attempts on all the routes, running on rest days. I scanned the pages of my old journals and there were recordings weekly of my skinfolds and percentage body fat.  

Eventually, running from the feelings and not choosing food, drugs, alcohol or climbing, I started training to be a Yoga teacher... yup, Yoga became my food. 

Yoga eventually led me to all those people who are vegan, vegetarian, gluten free, dairy free, must be organic and people who understood Ayurveda and how to eat properly. Oh, God how I hated these people and their perfect diets. You see, for me, not paying attention to food AT ALL became my mode of operating. Yes, I ate, but I did not put effort or love into it. I only did that when cooking for company and I did not often have company. I had a child who loves Greek salad and some meat with it. Perfect for me. 

Yesterday, after months of being too uncomfortable with having a hyperactive thyroid, I sat in a room chatting with a lovely Ayurvedic doctor who confirmed that yes, I am pretty much all fire, and yes, my fire is running too hot. As she delved into all the changes in my life over the past two years, she finally concluded with, "Your heart has been broken, you have to love yourself. You have to feed yourself. You have to see food as the nurturance and love you give yourself. " 

As a fiery person with a proclivity to productivity and avoiding difficult emotions, I answer this with being overly productive, successful. I have been trying for the past 2 years to get stuff done. Her words yesterday were, "just surrender." 

Not the mantra of any Pitta I know. This week of cleansing and surrendering is really going to suck. 

Selfless service = Happiness

Finding Joy

In this amazing place, I found joy that is innate in my heart.
I found my soul.
I found love.
If you have the opportunity to find a place like this go there and be at peace.

More than Breathing

Yesterday I shared someone's article that indicated addiction is the result of a lack of connection. This article struck me profoundly. Last fall, my son left home to embark on a new adventure at boarding school. I was suddenly living alone. I had not lived alone since 198? A long time.

It was a long hard winter; in fact the worst in over 50 years.
I had reprieves... the Wednesday evenings I spent hours with the beautiful souls in teacher training and the long weekends we practiced and learned together. The colder the days, the more snow, the more I felt buried in self-pity. My eating habits digressed, I drank more wine and watched TV than I usually do and I stopped walking my dogs further than a fifteen minute jaunt. I became depressed and less and less connected to others and myself.
It was a negative cycle that was swirling toward addiction.
I am fortunate. I have a spiritual practice. Although my practice suffered, it never stopped. And I knew I needed to do something.
I reached out. I made a plan to see my teacher. I sat in the light of all those fabulous souls that believe in something beyond what we see and feel. I connected to great hearts and I my heart began to come alive again. I became re-inspired. I stopped TV. I stopped the eating. I started walking the dogs. I went climbing.
Although the fears and doubts remain, I feel more joy and possibility because of the love of those around me.
As you go out today, remember to love those around you. Remember they may be struggling with a darkness you cannot see. And if you are struggling, look for the bright souls that invite you to connect.

Absolutes, Limits and Expectations

When we KNOW a thing - I know I don't like swimming - for example, we create two things; limits in our experience of life and expectations. We will avoid opportunities to swim and perhaps even people who like swimming because we expect we will dislike the experience. We are no longer like a child who is curious and open to the idea of swimming.

Humans like knowing. It creates a sense of safety and identity. I am a climber because I like to climb. Some people like to go climbing once a year and do things they know how to do and some may live in a van and give up everything else to just climb every day. Are they both climbers? If not, what are the defining characteristics of a climber?

This is why things like Myers-Briggs and Predictive Indexes, Dosha Quizzes capture our attention - we want to know who we are. I know I am a INFP and predominantly Pitta, with a little Vata. These quizzes have validated what I believe about myself and they also give me guidance on how to live, engage with the world. Since I now have a reference, I can now create expectations about my experience. I expect myself to be intuitive and have a strong reaction to skipping meals.

What I love about Yoga is the continual quest to stay curious. Remember that with every quiz - these were created and delivered to groups of people and not everyone had exactly the same answers. Nor do we. We can try to define ourselves, but ultimately our life experiences, our past life experiences and life circumstances in the moment we do the quiz will be influencing the outcome.

Stay curious... and you may discover you are far more diverse than you first believed.

Post Road Trip Depression

It's a thing... really it is.
The many years I lived on the road, we would travel to a climbing destination and spend weeks working on new found projects. Each day we got up, chose the routes to climb, the rest days, the place to sleep and what to eat. Gradually the money got low, the projects were sent and sometimes, the weather would begin to change. That meant we needed to move on. Time to go make some more money for the next trip. So we would head back to the place we called work, book some clients, and well... work.

Brian Capps, RMP, photo: Nick Sagar

The initial return is fun. Time to reconnect with friends that don't leave and sharing the adventure. After a few days though, it would get depressing. There is a sense of loss of the freedom of spontaneity. Freedom from the obligations and responsibilities of work. Freedom from choosing to be there.

Yes... that is what is missing... the freedom of the choice to be doing exactly what you are doing.

I now feel this same sense of loss and depression when I return from studying with my teacher or time at the Himalayan Institute. Initially it is fun to reconnect, to share what I learned. Then it starts to just be a longing to be in the study again, away from the responsibilities of day to day.

I wonder, if it is only about choice, what would happen if you chose what was happening where you are?
Would each moment be as awesome as a retreat, a road trip?

What does it mean to be a woman?

The Facebook feed and the news proudly shows this pic of Bruce Jenner, now Caitlyn. Wow! What a transformation! I am curious how someone who feels they are meant to be a woman, but was born in a male body, can only feel authentic with so many inauthentic props?
What happens when the props come off?
Why a beautiful, sexy woman and not a plain Jane?
Why a bigger chested woman than a small breasted woman?
I say this with real curiosity.
Is this image of Caitlyn what we as a culture really think being a woman means?

I know some amazing and beautiful female athletes who are strong, willing to try hard, tenacious and spirited. And their beauty is in the face devoid of make-up, hair pulled into a ponytail, and chalk on their hands. And breasts just get in the way. They are awesome girlfriends, wives and mommies. Are these women not really women?
A woman doesn't need props to feel like a woman. A real woman can rest in her authentic, natural beauty.

What the hell is self care?

You hear it all the time in the yoga world. When you are in the fire of transformation, self care is essential. I just read an article that when dating, we often are dealing with deep seated beliefs that head us off in the wrong relationships. The answer, self care, self love and appreciation.
What the hell does that mean?
Right diet? Well if you are an eating disorder survivor like me, having the discipline to even pay attention can be hard. And not beating yourself up when you haven't is even harder.
Is it a massage, pedicure, new clothes? If you are in the midst of financial insecurity, how do you afford it?
Perhaps it is Self with the capital S? Sitting on your cushion often feels more like torture than self care.
Is it connecting with others? How do you do that when you feel so disconnected?

I can tell you that self care for me means getting out in nature with my dogs who love a good romp in the woods. It means going to a climbing gym and talking to a stranger, offering them help sequence a route.
Sometimes it is actually teaching my yoga class with a real intention to serve them.

For me, self care is not something I do for me... it is something I do for someone else.

Freeing the soul

The path of the masculine is purpose. It is the path of strength, provider, the warrior, to act.
The path of the mother, feminine is to nurture, to be receptive, to hold power.
The male would keep people safe by holding back the enemies; the mother makes them feel safe by holding their fears.
As I navigate this year of empty nesting, I have struggled with the warrior and the mother within me.
Protect who? Nurture who?
In the emptiness, I have stepped into the more comfortable energies, the masculine.
Be strong, act courageously. Persevere.
The feminine has been left in the darkness, waiting, longing for someone to nurture.
It is this longing has created feelings of being unsettled.
It is time to let her be free.

Being in the Right Company

In the company of the right people, in the seat of love, one feels and believes anything is possible. In the company of the wrong people, in the grip of fear, one believes it is not possible.
This pretty much sums up my climbing life.
Climbers look at a line, a piece of rock and say, sure I can find way up this. And then they just keep trying despite all the evidence to the contrary. Hundreds of failed attempts.
Then one person would figure it out and do the one move that seemed impossible.
Then one by one, everyone would do it too.

What is the one thing you think is impossible?
Find the people doing it and find a way to be with them.

Taking the leap

These past few months have been unsettled.
My life has been changed, leaving so many things unsettled.
In turn, my heart has been unsettled and my mind has been unsettled.
I recognize the presence of anxiety, sadness, and anger.
The root of all three - FEAR
"There is only fear and love, choose love." - Marianne Williamson

Joy

This morning I learned through my FB feed that Dean Potter had died. He died in the way that everyone would have predicted. He hit the ground after a jump. His parachute did not open. I read through the many comments remembering him as an amazing inspiration.

There was a part of me the was frustrated and angry. A part of me wanted to shout... 'he threw away his life. He wasn't a hero. He made heroism out of needlessly risking his life!"

I went off on some other internet escapism about buddhist characteristics and there in the page was a Dean Potter interview, bringing me back. He was sitting with his then girlfriend and fellow climbing and base jumping partner, Steph Davis. This led me to her Ted Boulder talk on Flying Again.

SIGH

The more I pondered these justifications for living so much on the edge being the seat of joy, the more I considered my own life in the light of this idea. I had lived on the edge. I had lived in a car for almost five years with a net worth of $1000 thanks to my sponsors who gave me climbing equipment. I had moments of not having money for food and yet choosing climbing still. And I had so much freedom. I loved teaching people. I loved being free to choose to go climbing or to write another article or to work with a client. I loved and even now long for the freedom in such a simple life.

As I prepared to go to a family celebration I realized something. My anger, frustration was really a projection of what was tearing me up. I resented the part of my life that was dictated by my sense of responsibility to people, to work, to activities that did not bring my that joy. I was doing those things out of a sense of obligation and in doing them I felt very little joy, in fact it was the birth place of resentment.

I am the one rejecting the possibility of living life on my terms. I do not believe that I can just leave it all and find people who will want to learn from me. I do not believe this old body can get back into shape and learn even more about how it all works. I am the one holding me back - UNINSPIRING ME!

Time to change.

Call to Action

Last night, I was asked to write my "call to action." What would I say to someone about what I have to offer them that is of value.

My response,I get people out of their minds and into their bodies. I offer tools to help people find clarity and deeper understanding. I support them to move past resistance and realize their potential.

This morning as I reflected on the call and the sharing, I heard a voice in my head say, "Yes, but people don't value that. People like being safe and comfortable and don't worry about potential until they have hit rock bottom."

WOW! This of course is exactly how I have reacted to reaching my own potential. I keep resenting and resisting that life isn't comfortable and safe. I am longing for the job with security and yet resented the tying down of my soul's desire when I had such a job.

I once heard Eve Ensler on a TED talk and her words rocked me. "When you give away what you long for the most, you heal that part of yourself." Guess I better add a little juice behind that word "support". Inspired... maybe.

Mother = Love Unconditionally

Mother's Day is just ahead.
Being a mother has been one of the greatest gifts of this life. My son was born in 2001 and just weeks before September 11th. In the days that followed, I considered the pain of mothers who lost sons and daughters and the pain for a mother who bore a child who would kill.

Looking into the eyes of my beautiful son, I could not imagine not loving him, even if he were to do such a horrible thing.

I looked around me and wondered who else I had that unconditional love for and why was it so few people.

Ever since that day, I move through my life looking at the places I find it hard to keep love alive. Sometimes, that is just looking in the mirror.

Mirrors of Light

Beautiful people smile at you and let you see the possible within yourself.

The Power of Sangha

In two days, I will be connecting again with beautiful hearts and shining lights in Colorado at a ParaYoga training with Rod Stryker. I long for these trainings and the connections they bring. In yoga, this is called Sangha. Sangha means "a community of noble ones." A community of seekers. Although this community is spread over multiple continents, it somehow has the power to jumpstart faith in the process, the goal of life... awakening.

Perhaps it is the freedom from daily worries of jobs, family and house chores. Perhaps it is the beautiful natural environment. Perhaps it is the nourishing lunches made with love. Perhaps it is the blessing of the experience seeping through my teacher. Perhaps it is all of these things at once. But it is in this place I feel life is truly worth living and thriving.

It is my prayer that each of you have such a refuge.
If not... come see us at 108;)